Word of the Year 2014 - A Final Examination and More Honorable Adieu to Examining My Unexamined Life

I slammed my beloved blog closed on my 60th birthday.  No graceful departure.  Apparently, I gave no real warnings to my readership.  Surprisingly, I heard about it from some family and friends and people I only knew through the blog.   I didn’t realize anyone still read it! I thought it had run its course as all things in life seem to do.  Unless, we are of the mindset to fight change and make ourselves miserable. Some of us do that you know. Hang on for dear life to things that aren’t meant for us, serving us well, or simple ignorance in knowing maybe there is something more, meant for us.  I lived like that once upon a time.  More recently though, any examining, as well as writing, screeched to halt.  It wasn’t deliberate.  In the midst of several life altering events, there wasn’t enough time, or maybe, it just wasn’t important to me anymore.  I was blessed to finally move forward, literally and figuratively.  I might have even been enjoying the severing of a few ties that had wrapped their tentacles first around my heart, and later wound up around my neck. Being where I was, seemed to be choking the life out of me. When I got out of examining my head (and  left Dodge), I felt like I could breathe without the searing pain of remembrance and too much stress. The only thing I was planning on writing on any agenda, if I had to have one,  was the word, enjoy.  That’s how I wanted to live now.  In Joy.  My idea of a perfect day was to gaze into the moment, cross-legged, inhaling the healing breaths of gratitude, feeling them seep into my weathered spirit.

On some level entering a new decade of life AND changing residences, I might have even unconsciously wanted to break free from anything (my blog)  that could tie me down or put me in a vulnerable place again.  Good grief, my blog opened me up wide.  And once I started, I couldn't stop.  While it turned on the lights to connection and authenticity, it also laid the groundwork for rejection and judgement. I had placed myself into a position,  more vulnerable than I ever have been. With anyone. Ever. And, through it all, writing the words; cracking the code on what made me tick,  I grew and I healed.  

So, how dare I not honorably acknowledge the end to my tiny, insignificant musings into cyber space.  If nothing else I thought later, it provided at no cost, (except for my own embarrassment)  an avenue for free therapy.  Spewing my insecurities and dysfunction into words rather than private thoughts,  was highly cathartic and gently ushered in clarity.   A surprising off shoot  was some new, like-minded friends, who were grateful they weren’t alone in their perceived flaws, and found a voice through mine. There are few things better in this life than intimacy….of the soul.  The kind that makes you realize it is safe to be who you are because we really are all alike and connected. 

Another gift, was my miraculous and growing awareness to some of the secrets to living well, while in this body, on this earth.  I made it a mission through prayer, quiet time, and my words, to learn (often relearn)  some of those lessons I have now come to realize are just a part of my life plan.  Aka: God’s Will.  I learned how to listen.  I learned how to be alone.   I learned what doesn’t kill you, sure does make you stronger, but it doesn't need to make you meaner.   I learned how to love myself without expecting outside reinforcement in order to feel loved.  I discovered how worthy I am, always.  I learned how to accept, not always graciously, that whatever happens, happens;  and it is up to me how I choose to process it.   Most of all I learned that so many of the gifts I have been seeking, rest in my own little hands.  I choose my happiness.   I am in charge of CREATING the life I want to live.  

So, it just seemed natural to make my word for 2014, CREATE.  

My ah ha moment arrived with a sweet little silver turtle I received this Christmas as a gift.  On it’s back, in a rainbow of colors, were the words, Enjoy the Journey. Contained in the simplicity of this message, was a big discovery.  It has been a journey.  My blog. My life.  Even in the darkest hours when I couldn’t see any purpose or joy, the journey was still progressing.  It was still there, extending the hand of love and understanding.  True, sometimes it seemed halted,  slowed and hidden by the clouds.   But,  those were often of my own making.  I chose to wear the shroud that kept me trapped in grief, loss, fear, and lack, rather than remembering the things that were treasured and holy.   When I began to understand this, when I knew I was the force behind continuing misery, I was then able to move on, further into the mysteries of God’s will for my life.  

In 2011 my word of the year was BLOSSOM.  I did.  I worked hard at discovering my unique talents, my purpose - through meditation, prayer, and connecting with my Higher Power. I invested time in me and in Him. He showed me how to move through the clouds by always remembering the sun.  It's still there, even if it isn't shining.   In 2012 my word of the year was FREEDOM.  Once we know who we are and love ourselves, we are free.  Others opinions, words, and approval is not important. I set myself free that year.  In 2013 my word of the year was FEARLESS.  I have always been a bit of a risk-taker.  This year I was fearless;  moving out into the world as an authentic me, taking charge of my life, asking for what I needed and wanted, opening myself up honestly, and actively pursuing what was good for me.    How perfect then is the word of the year for 2014 to have bubbled up as, CREATE.  It’s just another exciting project on my journey.  I am responsible for CREATING the life I want to see and live.  I am responsible for my happiness, success, and peace of mind.  What a beautiful word for 2014 and to end this blog with.  CREATE.   I can almost hear all of those who love me; the living and those in heaven, breathing a sigh of relief and whispering, “I think she gets it.”   

Thank you dear Examining Blog for guiding my awakening life,  and handing me the keys to enjoying my journey.   Happy New Year.  Happy New Life! 

P.S.   Oh, yes, I am forgetting the most important reward of this little blog.  It appears I am no longer ruled by the opinions, motives, likes, comments, shares and approvals  in order to know that I am really a writer. A damn good one.  (Well, a little honesty here… I do believe this.   Most days.) I know it is a gift that I am called  to share with others. The only voice I keep tuned into now,  is the One within. The only like I need is the contented feeling that burns in my heart,  knowing it's my best. For today.     With that being said, I think I just might start a new blog someday.  I will call it- Too Soon Old... Too Late Smart. 

My Word of the Year for 2013

Fearless.........

Merriam Webster defines fearless as --- bold, brave, dauntless, intrepid, and courageous.  This is my word for 2013.  The last few years  I've gotten rid of the long list of resolutions and searched inward instead, spending some time in reflection, prayer, and meditation to find the right word for the new year. A special mantra of sorts.   A word to focus on throughout the year.  One that will help me in my journey to continue to unearth the best me, and reveal the contributions I was put on this earth to make. Last year, my word was Freedom. It served me well.  At first, I attached all these expectations to my 2012 word.... Free from my rut, free from “this place”; this house, this city, boredom.... It was all going to happen for me in 2012.  I thought my word failed me.  Here I was, stuck in  some mind-numbing sameness.  I was sure it would turn me into a vegetable.   Then, near the end of the year a series of emotional setbacks, sickness, and a few evil deeds called upon my emotional IQ, and forced me to rethink how well last year’s word really worked for me.  Did it ever!  Freedom arrived over the course of the year in more powerful ways than I ever anticipated.  I am free.  More than I've ever been.  Especially from my past and many negative beliefs that kept me stuck for so long.  I was able to recognize them (first) and then release them as useless tools for living.  I’ve been unshackled from my own perceived limitations and fears... of failing, of being rejected, of being hurt, of being alone, of destitution, and any other Armageddon my mind has used in its attempts to annihilate what it perceived to be an "uppityness" of my own confidence and self-worth through the years.   I finally stared down that lifetime of lies and found them to be  not quite so scary when held up to this Holy Light, I discovered within.  Freedom.  Unearthing all of this has been quite a process too, aided and abetted by a number of angels that I now know have been watching out for me, all along. (Forgive me, my beloveds for thinking otherwise)  Those stories I told myself....blatant untruths.  I am none of those things.  I am not limited. And, I am never, ever, alone.. ever.   Now, I AM free.  Free to live my own choices, create my own destiny.  Free to stay, or free to go.  Free to forgive and experience joy, or free to stay stuck in the past and ruminate myself into misery. Now, it appeared, all I needed was some courage and faith. 

Fearless.  

My word for 2013 arrived through some serious meditation, prayer, mindfulness, and  series of serendipities... messages through others, dreams, and other forms of communication that appeared out of nowhere. That’s the way it always seems to happen for me, sealing the word with plenty of blatant signs. The word fearless appeared everywhere. 

Someone dear to me, made a good argument that the presence of a little fear in our lives can also be prudent.  An intuitive built in protection so we don’t walk right into dangerous situations that can be harmful to our being.  That is not the kind of FEARLESSNESS I am referring to.  If I survived the year, by its end, my epitaph might read, FOOLISH instead.   I am talking about the kind of fearlessness that fuels us in fighting for the things we believe strongly in. Fearless in the ability to walk away from dysfunction even when you love someone.  Fearless in showing others who you really are.   Fearless in making changes you know need to be made, letting go and trusting the future is in the hands of our Creator.   Fearless in admitting you can’t do it anymore, and you certainly can’t do it on your own.  Fearless in pursuing the unknown, simply for pleasure of growing and learning something new.   Fearlessly falling in love again, cutting everyone some slack, focusing less on the fact you could be hurt, knowing love truly is still worth it, over and over again.   Most of all, living spiritually fearless, following a path that leads deeper and deeper into the heart of God, unlimited abundance, and joy.   It’s so much easier to be fearless when you have that much faith.  

     

Just to seal my intention after the first of year, the Universe sent me another indicator I was on the right track.  I got an Amazon book suggestion for a book written by Anita Moorjani a young women who was considered by medical professionals to be on her death bed with end stage cancer.  Her book, Dying to Be Me,  details her personal near death experience after she came out of her coma, completely cured and ready to fearlessly tell her story.  When asked what the most powerful message was she learned “on the other side” she said,(paraphrased) “Live life fearlessly... Most of all enjoy life. Most of us live in fear; a combination of fear and lack of self-love and so our lives are spent without enjoyment.  The best lesson is do what brings you joy and do what feels fun for you.  Be yourself. Allow yourself to be who you are.  Get in touch with your feelings.  Most of us are so caught up in doing...  these swirling thoughts of how do I get there from here and all those steps involved.  Instead, ask yourself, every day of your life, with all that arises, how do I feel about this? Don’t ask,  how do I do this, or what steps do I need to take to get there.  Ask, how do I feel?  Let the natural expression of you come through.  Is the answer positive or negative?  If there are more negatives than positives, then you are not following your true heart, being yourself and living fearlessly." 

It’s just that simple.  Fearless in 2013! 

Dream no small dreams for they have no power to move the hearts of men.... Goethe

THINK BIG!! 

I heard this several times last week.  Since God generally speaks to me through others, I am thinking this is something I need to pay attention to. Especially, when it comes from people who genuinely love me.  The icing on the cake, it was reiterated by someone I haven’t really had more than a superficial relationship with for many, many years.  Was it that apparent?   Oh, it was said with kindness, caring, and a sincere desire to be helpful.    It went something like this... “I think you’re a terrific writer, but your talent is being wasted in the places you are sending it.  You need to THINK  BIG!  Sell yourself.  You have too much talent to be spinning your wheels right where you are at.  Take some bigger risks.”   Touche’.   Looking back, he wasn’t the first person to have said this to me. “Think Bigger”.  I kept hearing it over and over everywhere I turned.  In readings, on some of my podcasts and reviewing past conversations... with family members as well as a few  friends.   All these messages were like the pesky ghost of past, present and future all invading my private spaces.  I told them all... they just didn’t understand..... how hard I’d been working and how optimistic I’ve been.   

I haven’t thought big for decades.  When I was a child, I dreamed of being the next Amelia Earhart.  Better yet, the tormented author, sitting in a little Bistro in Paris. There I was, puffing really long cigarettes encased in a pearlized holder, tossing back shots of some hot liqueur; the kind that burned all the way down and chased the images out and onto my page of paper.  My imagination could take off and run with that scenario.   That’s one big dream that did come true.  At least the part about being tormented and tossing back the shots. 

I’m not saying I’m not a hopeful person:  my positive thinking has navigated me through many a maze.   I’m determined, and a very focused.  When I find something I want to sink my teeth into, I give it my all.  I just don’t stretch myself beyond, into the realm of what might lie out there, in the land of much more. After all, it could be painful, rejection is a searing white flame to the ego.   I think of it like my Yoga practice, I bend and move and do the posture, never quitting; but I don’t breathe into the pain, and those places that will take me further into the move and ultimately greater rewards. 

I’ve had a lot of excuses for not thinking bigger.  My brain chastises me and says, it’s just not humble.   But, is it really humility to downplay our gifts and not strive to become all that we are meant to be and do?  Is it honoring Him to play ourselves small?  Isn’t that tantamount to playing Him small too?

What’s really going on here?  Some residual unworthiness that needs vacuumed out once and for all?  Perhaps the thought of actually having some bigger success might then evoke an accountability I don’t think I am ready for?  If I have faith and believe things happen when they are supposed to, I have to assume I would be ready for all that comes with it.  It all boils down to, again... faith. What’s there to lose then by thinking bigger?  

Freedom’s just another word for nothing left to lose.... Isn’t that my word of the year?  I can’t be free if I limit myself to my comfort zone. 

This week, I made a decision to THINK BIGGER.  I stretched myself a little farther, came up with a game plan and acted on a few things outside of the realm of my safety net.  So, far, so good.  I put together a dream board and an action plan, combining the best of my heart and my mind.  I know just thinking BIG isn’t enough.  I know in order to gain momentum, I need to ACT BIG too.  It’s just time, to try something different.  Someone once told me its not enough to never, ever quit.  If you keep using the same methods and have the same results, then it’s time to never, ever quit... trying something different.  I am going to try to THINK BIGGER.

Word of the Year - 2012

I gave up New Year’s resolutions a few years ago.  I know goal setting is important, but I make it so complex.  I’m demanding too, harder on myself than I am on anyone else.  Often I get to the end of the year, only to face the truth;  I haven’t lost the same 20 pounds I've been trying to lose for years, nor run a marathon, and still haven’t made the New York Times bestseller list.   Maybe subliminally, I make  the list so long and demanding, no human power would be able to succeed. Sometimes new experiences, success and the change that accompanies it, can be rather frightening too.  Yet, there was another side to it. I discovered so much on my list, was out of my control. That revelation was  a deep breath of fresh air actually. I can do the legwork, but expecting specific outcomes wasn't to be part of my job description.  For example, to sell a house in a recessed market and community was an unreasonable expectation. Even employment was at the whims of other people and the Universe.  How much is in our control?  Very little.  That manner of goal setting wasn't working for me and I’m kinder to me these days.  I have some “loose goals” now.  When I do put a few on paper, I name it my “wish list” rather than my “resolutions”. 

This end of the year/beginning of the new year soul-searching has evolved into something that works much better for me.  I spend some time in meditation and prayer, sit down with my little worksheet, and allow the word to drift into my consciousness.    A single word or two, like a mantra, that can be a point of focus  as I navigate a brand new year.  Last year, that word was BLOSSOM.  Now, the first week of January 2011, I did start the year off blossoming in a really visible way. My tired, stressed out body, overtaxed my immune system and  I sprouted shingles.  On my face, of all places, and I was confined to the house for the first few weeks of the New Year.  That really wasn’t what I had in mind.  Yet, somehow that solitary time alone honing in on what it means to me to BLOSSOM,  jettisoned my determination to continue to cultivate my talents, take my  spirituality to another level, and rediscover my joy.  That single word served me well.  In my undertakings, major as well as minor, I consistently asked the question, “Is this action, belief, person, or endeavor, going to allow me to continue to open up to life and BLOSSOM into the soul my Creator wants me to be?” I’ve gotten to the end of the year, and have deemed it a success.  I have blossomed.  I’m not the same human spirit I was in January of 2011.  I’ve changed: given up some really bad habits, learned to trust my intuition, burned the doormat, grown closer to others, opened my arms wide to opportunity and the world, rather fearlessly.  I’ve taken some big risks, and put myself out there farther than I ever have in my life.   I worked hard, although it didn’t seem so much like work.  It felt more like holding the intention (word) in my mind and heart and just doing what I was led to do, day by day, step by step and letting it all manifest in its own time.  I’ve forgiven what needed forgiven, accepted what needed accepted, and invited in the Grace that was just waiting for me to ask.  BLOSSOM served me well in 2011.  

I began the process of my word for 2012, and thought I was thorough in my examination and had even selected the word.  Somehow, when I repeated, it just didn’t fit, although in my head I wanted it to.  It was such a nice word.  One I could see taking off in a number of lovely directions.  I could imagine what the word would bring to me.  And, that’s where the unease set in.  I was trying to control the choice of the word with this expected outcome, and visions of how it would play out and serve me in the future.  Because I was working it in my head, I knew it  couldn’t be my word for 2012.  It was contrived.  It needed to be one that rose to the surface, outside of my expectations and control.  What then was my word to be?

Asking for guidance through prayer and meditation and then paying attention, being mindful to the signs around us, always reveals our answer.  At first, it was just a little nudge.... the word.  It sounded strange in the context I saw it in.  It arrived in the mail in the form of a Christmas card.  The sentiment, in part read, “Onto the New Year.  I hope it brings you happiness, joy and freedom.”  Freedom?  From what?  The word jumped out at me.  Where had I heard that word used before, and recently too?  

Right before Christmas, a very special person I hadn’t seen in a few years, paid me a visit.  We had an unexpectedly profound, honest, talk and the conversation and connection clung to me  for the next few days like the sweet scent of my favorite perfume.  I have to claim it as one of the highlights of my season.  The gift of undivided attention and communicating between hearts, is one of the most precious things another can give us.   Later that evening,  posted on my Facebook wall, was the single sentence, “Freedom’s just another word for nothing left to lose.”My holiday angel left me that.  I got it. It was the icing on our conversation with a great big cherry served up on top.  I knew.  

My word for 2012 is FREEDOM.  I’m not really sure where the word will lead me or even how to apply it to my days, but I know that’s the word.  It’s none of my business where it takes me.  As I move through the brand New Year, I am sure I will  continue to ask the question, often, “Does this action, belief, person, or endeavor create FREEDOM in this life of mine?”  I’m not going to put an expectation on how it’s all going to play out.  It’s more of an adventure to let the word take me, rather than me taking the word.  It seems perfect somehow.  You can't be free when you are still trapped inside the bud. You don't even know what it feels like...the warm air, the sunlight on your face, the joy of stretching.  First, you blossom, then you're free. 

May you find your word in the New Year and allow it to manifest your heart's desires.  Happy 2012! Celebrate. Believe. Prosperity. Peace.