26 years - A day of Flashbacks and Reminders delivered on Butterfly Wings

July 17, 1987 is branded into my memory.  It was my first day without any alcohol or mood altering chemicals.  It wasn’t a pleasant experience.  A body whose cells have been saturated in booze, slurped up like a dehydrated camel, every day--- for a few years, rebels.  Mine had become accustomed and needed it just to function and feel normal.  Deprivation, produced massive shakes, dry heaves, chills, paranoia, hallucinations, and a foreboding that if you didn’t pour some more poison into your body, you would clearly hear the gates of Hell slam behind you;  trapped forever in the grips of something much worse than death. Even when my mind begged to stop the madness, my body wouldn’t allow it. Until the morning of July 17, 1987.   The buck and the booze stopped there. 

On that morning,I fearfully awakened from my chemically induced coma, and I discovered my last empty half gallon bottle of 150 proof vodka was bone dry.  A Milli-second of clarity flashed.   The bottles weren’t the only thing empty.  A lifetime of my worst fear, was now a reality... The house was empty.  Everyone had left me. Glancing in the mirror ( I could never really look full on) I saw this reflection of empty eyes - no lights.  Just hollow darkness peering out from an even darker soul.  A card carrying member of the living dead, skin over bones, crazy hair and all. 

The next three days were spent locked in a torture chamber of pain and suffering, shutting off the outside world.  I did allow entry to my compassionate, former husband. May God always bless him.  He brought cigarettes, which I thought might help my tortured body.  He held them to my mouth because I was unable to stop the shakes.  Later, he told me I looked like Linda Blair, in the final stage, before her Exorcism.  Yeah.  In retrospect that was a great correlation.  The demon of addiction had completely taken over my mind, body and soul. 

Jesus rose from the dead on the third day, bringing hope and healing and glory to God.  I was in such a terrible state, I lay in my self imposed tomb until the fourth day.   I will spend my lifetime continuing MY message of hope, gratitude and giving all the glory to God.  That day,  I made myself wash my hair and shower.  I sipped a little orange juice, pushing past the gag reflex.  My body had not seen nutrition in weeks and my bony legs wobbled like a newborn farm animal as I attempted to put one foot in front of another. I had feeble hope, that day,  but a fleeting thought infiltrated my still woozy brain cells.  I had not had a drink of alcohol in four days.  And that, was a miracle.  It was the longest stretch of time in a few years.

Months later when asked, what flipped the switch, I gave it some thought. I honestly did not know, but it was surely miraculous. What had happened?  Why, on July 17th did I not do, what had become so natural for me to do?  Drink.  My ego was so big,  I considered myself a woman of great strength, with massive amounts of discipline and will-power.  Yet this was a force more powerful than anything I could do or say to master or control it. 

Twenty-six years later, I think about those four days of detox and the torture, and it all comes rushing back--- the physical feelings- the emotion, and one small plea I uttered in the midst of the suffering.  I said, “If there is anything out there that can help. If there is a God of compassion,  I CAN’T DO THIS ON MY OWN AND I NEED YOU.  The words were probably just whispered, or maybe they were only in my head.  It didn’t matter.  I had just come to believe..... 

That was the day I came to. 

It wasn’t long before I recognized that coming to wasn’t going to be nearly enough. I knew my self-will had not served me well and it would take more than believing in a power greater.  So, I took an even bigger risk, and turned my will and life over to God, with the caveat... as I understood him.  This step forward has changed my life forever. 

Twenty-Six years later, every morning before rising, I still turn my will and life over to the  God of my understanding.  My God is kind, nurturing, non-judgemental, a bit of my ideal father/mother  figure too... occasionally letting me experiment with those things I think I have to do or must have.  He knows sometimes we learn our biggest lessons when He allows us to just take the training wheels off before we've learned to ride the bike.  When I end up crashing, He gently picks me up, and treats my boo-boos with his unconditional love.  I then ask for his protection and turn my will and life over to his care again. He keeps his hand on the back of my bike, running along with me, until I get all independent and smack His hands away. Repeat.   

Twenty-Six years later and this practice of turning my will and life over to the care of God has freed me of so much worry and leaves space for me to live in serenity, joy... And the kind of gratitude that makes me shimmer like a princess dipped in fairy dust.   He’s got my back.  I don’t ever need to worry.  I am always right where I am supposed to be and I don’t need to ask why, or try to  figure it out.  He is right beside me guiding me forward into a life of growth, enlightenment and the kind of intimate relationship I have been seeking all my life. 

I was reminded of that this morning.  As I rushed out the door to get into my car for an appointment, I saw something out of the corner of my eye.  My hands were full so I couldn’t brush it off.  Lighting on my bare shoulder was a brilliant orange, multi-marked butterfly.  Not only did it land, it sat there for what seemed like minutes. I know it was a special anniversary gift, and a reminder, I AM Happy, Joyous and Free.  

All because I came to believe.

Word of the Year - 2012

I gave up New Year’s resolutions a few years ago.  I know goal setting is important, but I make it so complex.  I’m demanding too, harder on myself than I am on anyone else.  Often I get to the end of the year, only to face the truth;  I haven’t lost the same 20 pounds I've been trying to lose for years, nor run a marathon, and still haven’t made the New York Times bestseller list.   Maybe subliminally, I make  the list so long and demanding, no human power would be able to succeed. Sometimes new experiences, success and the change that accompanies it, can be rather frightening too.  Yet, there was another side to it. I discovered so much on my list, was out of my control. That revelation was  a deep breath of fresh air actually. I can do the legwork, but expecting specific outcomes wasn't to be part of my job description.  For example, to sell a house in a recessed market and community was an unreasonable expectation. Even employment was at the whims of other people and the Universe.  How much is in our control?  Very little.  That manner of goal setting wasn't working for me and I’m kinder to me these days.  I have some “loose goals” now.  When I do put a few on paper, I name it my “wish list” rather than my “resolutions”. 

This end of the year/beginning of the new year soul-searching has evolved into something that works much better for me.  I spend some time in meditation and prayer, sit down with my little worksheet, and allow the word to drift into my consciousness.    A single word or two, like a mantra, that can be a point of focus  as I navigate a brand new year.  Last year, that word was BLOSSOM.  Now, the first week of January 2011, I did start the year off blossoming in a really visible way. My tired, stressed out body, overtaxed my immune system and  I sprouted shingles.  On my face, of all places, and I was confined to the house for the first few weeks of the New Year.  That really wasn’t what I had in mind.  Yet, somehow that solitary time alone honing in on what it means to me to BLOSSOM,  jettisoned my determination to continue to cultivate my talents, take my  spirituality to another level, and rediscover my joy.  That single word served me well.  In my undertakings, major as well as minor, I consistently asked the question, “Is this action, belief, person, or endeavor, going to allow me to continue to open up to life and BLOSSOM into the soul my Creator wants me to be?” I’ve gotten to the end of the year, and have deemed it a success.  I have blossomed.  I’m not the same human spirit I was in January of 2011.  I’ve changed: given up some really bad habits, learned to trust my intuition, burned the doormat, grown closer to others, opened my arms wide to opportunity and the world, rather fearlessly.  I’ve taken some big risks, and put myself out there farther than I ever have in my life.   I worked hard, although it didn’t seem so much like work.  It felt more like holding the intention (word) in my mind and heart and just doing what I was led to do, day by day, step by step and letting it all manifest in its own time.  I’ve forgiven what needed forgiven, accepted what needed accepted, and invited in the Grace that was just waiting for me to ask.  BLOSSOM served me well in 2011.  

I began the process of my word for 2012, and thought I was thorough in my examination and had even selected the word.  Somehow, when I repeated, it just didn’t fit, although in my head I wanted it to.  It was such a nice word.  One I could see taking off in a number of lovely directions.  I could imagine what the word would bring to me.  And, that’s where the unease set in.  I was trying to control the choice of the word with this expected outcome, and visions of how it would play out and serve me in the future.  Because I was working it in my head, I knew it  couldn’t be my word for 2012.  It was contrived.  It needed to be one that rose to the surface, outside of my expectations and control.  What then was my word to be?

Asking for guidance through prayer and meditation and then paying attention, being mindful to the signs around us, always reveals our answer.  At first, it was just a little nudge.... the word.  It sounded strange in the context I saw it in.  It arrived in the mail in the form of a Christmas card.  The sentiment, in part read, “Onto the New Year.  I hope it brings you happiness, joy and freedom.”  Freedom?  From what?  The word jumped out at me.  Where had I heard that word used before, and recently too?  

Right before Christmas, a very special person I hadn’t seen in a few years, paid me a visit.  We had an unexpectedly profound, honest, talk and the conversation and connection clung to me  for the next few days like the sweet scent of my favorite perfume.  I have to claim it as one of the highlights of my season.  The gift of undivided attention and communicating between hearts, is one of the most precious things another can give us.   Later that evening,  posted on my Facebook wall, was the single sentence, “Freedom’s just another word for nothing left to lose.”My holiday angel left me that.  I got it. It was the icing on our conversation with a great big cherry served up on top.  I knew.  

My word for 2012 is FREEDOM.  I’m not really sure where the word will lead me or even how to apply it to my days, but I know that’s the word.  It’s none of my business where it takes me.  As I move through the brand New Year, I am sure I will  continue to ask the question, often, “Does this action, belief, person, or endeavor create FREEDOM in this life of mine?”  I’m not going to put an expectation on how it’s all going to play out.  It’s more of an adventure to let the word take me, rather than me taking the word.  It seems perfect somehow.  You can't be free when you are still trapped inside the bud. You don't even know what it feels like...the warm air, the sunlight on your face, the joy of stretching.  First, you blossom, then you're free. 

May you find your word in the New Year and allow it to manifest your heart's desires.  Happy 2012! Celebrate. Believe. Prosperity. Peace.