Word of the Year 2014 - A Final Examination and More Honorable Adieu to Examining My Unexamined Life

I slammed my beloved blog closed on my 60th birthday.  No graceful departure.  Apparently, I gave no real warnings to my readership.  Surprisingly, I heard about it from some family and friends and people I only knew through the blog.   I didn’t realize anyone still read it! I thought it had run its course as all things in life seem to do.  Unless, we are of the mindset to fight change and make ourselves miserable. Some of us do that you know. Hang on for dear life to things that aren’t meant for us, serving us well, or simple ignorance in knowing maybe there is something more, meant for us.  I lived like that once upon a time.  More recently though, any examining, as well as writing, screeched to halt.  It wasn’t deliberate.  In the midst of several life altering events, there wasn’t enough time, or maybe, it just wasn’t important to me anymore.  I was blessed to finally move forward, literally and figuratively.  I might have even been enjoying the severing of a few ties that had wrapped their tentacles first around my heart, and later wound up around my neck. Being where I was, seemed to be choking the life out of me. When I got out of examining my head (and  left Dodge), I felt like I could breathe without the searing pain of remembrance and too much stress. The only thing I was planning on writing on any agenda, if I had to have one,  was the word, enjoy.  That’s how I wanted to live now.  In Joy.  My idea of a perfect day was to gaze into the moment, cross-legged, inhaling the healing breaths of gratitude, feeling them seep into my weathered spirit.

On some level entering a new decade of life AND changing residences, I might have even unconsciously wanted to break free from anything (my blog)  that could tie me down or put me in a vulnerable place again.  Good grief, my blog opened me up wide.  And once I started, I couldn't stop.  While it turned on the lights to connection and authenticity, it also laid the groundwork for rejection and judgement. I had placed myself into a position,  more vulnerable than I ever have been. With anyone. Ever. And, through it all, writing the words; cracking the code on what made me tick,  I grew and I healed.  

So, how dare I not honorably acknowledge the end to my tiny, insignificant musings into cyber space.  If nothing else I thought later, it provided at no cost, (except for my own embarrassment)  an avenue for free therapy.  Spewing my insecurities and dysfunction into words rather than private thoughts,  was highly cathartic and gently ushered in clarity.   A surprising off shoot  was some new, like-minded friends, who were grateful they weren’t alone in their perceived flaws, and found a voice through mine. There are few things better in this life than intimacy….of the soul.  The kind that makes you realize it is safe to be who you are because we really are all alike and connected. 

Another gift, was my miraculous and growing awareness to some of the secrets to living well, while in this body, on this earth.  I made it a mission through prayer, quiet time, and my words, to learn (often relearn)  some of those lessons I have now come to realize are just a part of my life plan.  Aka: God’s Will.  I learned how to listen.  I learned how to be alone.   I learned what doesn’t kill you, sure does make you stronger, but it doesn't need to make you meaner.   I learned how to love myself without expecting outside reinforcement in order to feel loved.  I discovered how worthy I am, always.  I learned how to accept, not always graciously, that whatever happens, happens;  and it is up to me how I choose to process it.   Most of all I learned that so many of the gifts I have been seeking, rest in my own little hands.  I choose my happiness.   I am in charge of CREATING the life I want to live.  

So, it just seemed natural to make my word for 2014, CREATE.  

My ah ha moment arrived with a sweet little silver turtle I received this Christmas as a gift.  On it’s back, in a rainbow of colors, were the words, Enjoy the Journey. Contained in the simplicity of this message, was a big discovery.  It has been a journey.  My blog. My life.  Even in the darkest hours when I couldn’t see any purpose or joy, the journey was still progressing.  It was still there, extending the hand of love and understanding.  True, sometimes it seemed halted,  slowed and hidden by the clouds.   But,  those were often of my own making.  I chose to wear the shroud that kept me trapped in grief, loss, fear, and lack, rather than remembering the things that were treasured and holy.   When I began to understand this, when I knew I was the force behind continuing misery, I was then able to move on, further into the mysteries of God’s will for my life.  

In 2011 my word of the year was BLOSSOM.  I did.  I worked hard at discovering my unique talents, my purpose - through meditation, prayer, and connecting with my Higher Power. I invested time in me and in Him. He showed me how to move through the clouds by always remembering the sun.  It's still there, even if it isn't shining.   In 2012 my word of the year was FREEDOM.  Once we know who we are and love ourselves, we are free.  Others opinions, words, and approval is not important. I set myself free that year.  In 2013 my word of the year was FEARLESS.  I have always been a bit of a risk-taker.  This year I was fearless;  moving out into the world as an authentic me, taking charge of my life, asking for what I needed and wanted, opening myself up honestly, and actively pursuing what was good for me.    How perfect then is the word of the year for 2014 to have bubbled up as, CREATE.  It’s just another exciting project on my journey.  I am responsible for CREATING the life I want to see and live.  I am responsible for my happiness, success, and peace of mind.  What a beautiful word for 2014 and to end this blog with.  CREATE.   I can almost hear all of those who love me; the living and those in heaven, breathing a sigh of relief and whispering, “I think she gets it.”   

Thank you dear Examining Blog for guiding my awakening life,  and handing me the keys to enjoying my journey.   Happy New Year.  Happy New Life! 

P.S.   Oh, yes, I am forgetting the most important reward of this little blog.  It appears I am no longer ruled by the opinions, motives, likes, comments, shares and approvals  in order to know that I am really a writer. A damn good one.  (Well, a little honesty here… I do believe this.   Most days.) I know it is a gift that I am called  to share with others. The only voice I keep tuned into now,  is the One within. The only like I need is the contented feeling that burns in my heart,  knowing it's my best. For today.     With that being said, I think I just might start a new blog someday.  I will call it- Too Soon Old... Too Late Smart. 

In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit. -Albert Schweitzer

This holiday I am feeling really blessed to have this monster house.  I haven’t felt that way for the greater part of 4-5 years now, escalating over the last year.  I see a house that is way too big for one person, peeling paint, an older roof and antique windows.  I see an overwhelming financial burden with a work load and commitment too big for one person to handle. Most of all I feel trapped by the housing crisis, unable to unload and move on.  The American Dream of home ownership has become my American Nightmare.   Sure, I could shirk my responsibilities and walk away, many have been forced to, and have, but that doesn’t align with accountability, integrity, and right living for me, not yet.  If I expect to draw that kind of positive energy into my life, I have to be that too; honorable, responsible, honest.  Trapped between the angel on my right shoulder which says in a soft, sweet voice, “Don’t give up hope. Keep trying.”  And, the devil on my left, whose tone is gruff and flippant and screams, “The hell with it, those same financial institutions holding  mortgages created much of this mess we are in to begin with.  Just walk away.”  It’s harder to hear the softer voice sometimes and would be easier to pay heed to the self-serving demanding one.  Especially when one is really, really worn out.  Right now, I am. 

However, my grandchildren don’t see any of that.   My middle granddaughter, Sydney, told one of my co-workers last week, that I live in a mansion!   My immediate response, “A dilapidated old mansion!”  Sydney looked at me puzzled. Later that evening, the three of them arrived to spend the night. They looked around in awe at the Christmas lights and decorations inside my Albatross.  I’m borrowing their rose colored glasses!  They saw a palace - a thing of beauty.  They saw how lovely the backyard looks from my kitchen bay window, all snow covered, the trees frosted white.  They saw the mystical beauty of the den, fireplace roaring, stockings hung by the chimney with care, soft Christmas lights twinkling, making the room a magical spot.  They did not see peeling paint, dated flooring, or old windows.    I see a house.  They see a home full of love, laughter, comfort, and a dash of Christmas magic. They saw. Then, I saw. Many joyous times, have been lived in this house. My fire was lit.  I can apply a coat of paint, fill the house with people and make some more memories for the time I am here. 
   

Recently, I found myself stuck again professionally, second-guessing my efforts over the last few years as well as what I intuitively know is my gift.  I’ve been thinking from my ego rather than letting my inner guide direct me.  My work has felt false; contrived, rather than coming from the place my best words arise from.  I’ve also learned, when I look to things of this world to fuel me; verification and approval from others, outside opinions, and monetary reinforcement to validate God’s plan, I am then moving out of faith into fear.     I could see that, but it was almost from a different plane, like the ghost of me was trying to tap the human in me on the shoulder and say stop!  I could see it.  I didn’t know how to stop it.  A few days ago, a brightly decorated Christmas envelope arrived and inside was a book.  It’s title , theWarofArt - Break Through the Blocks and Win Your Inner Creative Battles.  The inscription on the inside read:

Becky,

I’ve read this many times over.  I feel I have finally “conquered” what the words taught me and I felt a deep need for you to keep it safe for me.  In case I forget and need it again someday--- throw it back my way.  Much Love, Meg

   

Just in case you are thinking, well, it’s Christmas, why wouldn’t holiday gifts arrive, you need to know that this book uncannily identifies my recent mood, names my fears, and provides a suggested plan for moving out of that place.  Moreover, the gift was passed on by a beautiful, young, 20 something artist from Chicago, who I watched grow up.  A wise beyond her years young woman, I haven’t seen, nor talked to her in quite a long time. As I drank in the messages of the book, the wisdom of those who have walked the same path, was kindling to my desire to continue down my path, no matter what obstacles appear to distract and block me. 

The Universe works together, with, and through others, to draw forth our purpose, and  fan that ember of creativity, appreciation, and perseverance when we've lost sight of what's important.  What beautiful gifts we receive from the eyes and words of other people.    A new way of looking at things, inspiration, good wishes, and lots of love, even from those who are not with us anymore. 

 The other night before bed I was lounging in the big chair in my den, walking down happy Christmas memory lane, sitting for a little visit with so many of my loved ones who aren’t on this earth anymore.  Sifting through my treasure chest of remembrance, I discovered a stash of candles left behind by all them, made just for me, to help light my way.  I can pull them out and hold them up anytime I choose. One of them had imprinted on them, “You can do anything you set your mind to do,” a gift from a dear grandmother-in-law.  Another read,  simply,” I believe in you.” And, another, “Just do your best, but do it.”  Another read, “Follow your heart.  You are worthy of so much more than you know.”  That one was a gift from my mother just a year before she died.  I know this was all triggered by the dream I had the night before.  In the dream was a former boss who had passed away, much too young.  This gentleman had a profound influence on my life both professionally, and became a good family friend outside of the workplace.  He was an example of integrity, Christian faith, and leadership to both me and my young daughter.  He has been gone for over 20 years. In the dream he looked wonderful; younger, happy, like himself only with an indescribable glow. I was so excited to see him and asked why he was visiting.  He said to me, “I heard you needed some light.”  His candle read, “Trust your intuition and let that be your guide.” 

We are all God’s agents assigned the task of fanning the spark that exists in each of us.  We are here to help each other to find our way, see the beauty and discern our worth in the world we live in.  We are here to do for others sometimes, what they cannot do for themselves. 

Thank you Sydney, Cameron and Alex.  Thank you my living angel, Meg, and all those others who surround me, guiding and watching over me from afar. I am beginning to trust that I always get what I need when I need it, if I simply live from the heart rather than the head. I continue to be humbled and amazed at the immense power and timelessness of Universal love which gently asks of us that we return the favor someday and be another human being's firemaker.