Thursday, January 22, 2015

Word of the Year 2015 - RENEW

Renew:  To make fresh or strong again; to make a promise or vow; to begin with force or enthusiasm; Make like new. 

I need a makeover.  I’m a little frustrated. No, honestly, I’m pissed.  Here’s why.

I’ve spent the last five years or so, on a “strip it all down to the naked truth” emotional, spiritual, and psychological exploration. A kind of interrogation into the what, why, and how of my life.  It’s been tough and it’s been a long haul.  I may have seen results sooner but  I had to do this in my spare time in between work, worry, and a minimal amount of emotional support. Everyone else had their own lives, their own families, their own spouses, I thought.  I spent the first few years trying to make sense of my ugly orphan child syndrome and got a real clear picture of why I had this overriding fear of abandonment. I had been.  Often.  Why would my precious God take away the unconditional love and healing arms of the presence of a mom, dads and a spouse. Way too soon.  Those were significant people who were supposed to be constants.  Some heavy hits over the past few decades.  My journey inward wasn't luxurious.  There were no retreats, spa days, or life exploration summits.  From Maslow’s perspective in the Hierarchy of Needs, I had to work my way up from the bottom of the triangle.  Food and shelter were paramount and safety, well, I wasn't sure where that would be from day to day. Always  the eternal optimist, (eventually) I now recognize  change may not have happened if I’d been privy to the easier, softer way; me all wrapped in a swaddling blanket of creature comforts and love, real or imagined.  Climbing up the hierarchy to reach the hallowed esteem and self-actualization quadrants may have taken me a little longer than perhaps the average human soul,  but it truly has been one of the greatest gifts of my life.  

I’ve been my own worst Gestapo, holding myself accountable and not letting me slink away from my defects, OR, (probably most important in my case)  down play my attributes.  I really haven’t made the climb on my own.  I have to give credit where credit is due.  There have been a few therapists, special spiritual guides, as well as a few challenging souls that have helped me unravel the truth of me.   I knew I had to do that in order not to continue waking up to eternal Ground Hog Days. You know what I mean.  When you scratch your head in disbelief because you are with the same man, different face; or tolerating the same abuse in a different setting and wondering how you got there, again.  There have been a few mid-terms tossed in and the final exam was a real dilly.  However, I discovered, what we don’t know, we can’t change. Another important lesson: What we don’t know, we can hardly beat ourselves up over. As Maya Angelou says, “When you know better, you do better.”  That has been a huge blessing because no one slips the boxing gloves on to pound on me better than me. Forgiven.   I also learned, it’s not  that you can’t go back; you really shouldn’t. I've learned to treasure the love that is already present in my life and focus my attention on those angels. All of these discoveries have finally freed my life of guilt, shame, remorse, comparison, self-pity, martyrdom and replaced those demons with empowerment, peace, honesty, grace, belonging, and acceptance.  Surrender isn’t the same as giving up.   I KNOW THIS NOW!  Most days. 

So, here I sit with a silly smile of peace and contentment on my face.  Taking charge of my own life and its outcome; EXCEPT, this physical vessel holding all that acceptance, grace and the goodies of light and love, HAS GONE TO HELL IN A HAND BASKET!  I am fully aware, these fruits of the spirit, the result of so much hard work, will be just a fond memory if the vessel is all battered and dysfunctional and physical pain is a constant companion.  

So, here we go 2015.  This is the year to renew.  

Dear lovely, worn out body.

I am renewing a vow to you to care for you as if you were my own precious grandchild. You and I are worthy of going to a doctor when we need to. We are also worthy of getting that which needs repaired, fixed.  We’re worthy of taking the time to cook delicious healthy food and eating what’s wholesome.  Not fast and cheap, sleazy rendezvouses shoveling it in by the kitchen sink.   I commit to you back to back nights of restful sleep and I promise to remove you from any negative influences which threaten to attack your immune system and serenity.  When you are back on track, feeling pain free, nourished, and stronger, I cross my heart, because I know I will die, if I don’t take you out to play, often!  We’ll move and stretch and dance in the day.  I promise to continue my quest of learning about you and what makes you keep ticking smoothly as well as the things you need to not just function, but flourish.   Then, I plan to introduce you to your new spirit filled heart and maybe the two of you can hook up for rest of your life.  I anticipate a true match made in heaven. 

I can’t think of a better way to spend a brand new year of our life.  I look forward, with patience and love until we are reunited again.  This one time, it’s a blessing to go back.  Back to the oneness God wants for us, body, mind, soul.  Renewed: Beginning again with force and enthusiasm.  

Your Mostly Zen Heart and Soul

While I’m waiting for these two to be reunited, just so I don’t forget what I learned earning my degree in Knowing and Loving Me,  I am committed to sharing my new, Mostly Zen head, on a (fairly) regular basis. It will reinforce what I now know, keep me humble in an empowering way.

Mostly Zen.  I like that.  Totally Zen or achieving Nirvana, well, I know me.  I would be so bored.  We’ll save that for the afterlife.   

Here's to a Renewal. Here's to Mostly Zen.