Friday, September 20, 2013

Self- Forgiveness - Part Two - A letter from my Higher Self (an exercise suggested by a recent meditation session)

This morning I languished in the empty space luxuriating between sleep and lucidity. This sweet spot is my favorite time of the day, caught up in the deliciousness of a quiet, empty, mind and the kind of peace that feels soft and silky like the trim on a baby’s blanket. What better place to open the day with a little prayer.  Gratitude softly rises as a natural expression when I am in this state.  I stretched.  I smiled.  I ticked off a few of my many blessings....another day of life, recovery, family, friends, having just enough, and,   the daily expressions of God’s love for me (when I stay alert and teachable). 

 I suspect God appreciated that I finally seemed to notice all this after a summer of what felt like a Spiritual Tough Mudder competition.  Me, feeling prepared after exercising and developing what I thought were some pretty big spiritual muscles over the past few years.  So, it was a big surprise to feel trapped, weak and helpless: the underground drainage pipe filling up with some stinky luck, and blockage as everyone else (apparently spiritually fitter and more deserving) seemed to charge right by me. There were many things that just weren’t easy.  It was solitary, and clearly out of my control and I surmised it was time to work on bigger, maybe steroid enhanced muscles, of long-term patience, surrender, acceptance, faith, and courage. I thought I was failing miserably at even my amped up workouts. I needed much bigger guns than I apparently had.   I did recognize a good part of my depression was my own head chastising me for a million things that I thought should be happening and weren’t.  I was either just unworthy, or being karmically punished for every mistake I’ve made in my life - since birth. Joan of Arc and I had a lot in common- in my distorted mind.  Only I was hardly a saint, just a self-professed martyr. 

This creepy, prophesy fulfilling self-talk, revealed I still had one huge forgiveness opportunity festering away waiting for me to put to rest. Of course someone had to be blamed, so I picked me.  I knew my slate was clean with everyone else I'd had a resentment towards for real or imagined harm done.  But, I didn’t really have a clue how to forgive me, or exactly what I needed to forgive me for. If I chastised myself, wasn’t that okay and way of keeping me accountable?  In a blinding flash of clarity, the thought drifted into my head, “Would you use such negativity on your loved ones to hold them accountable?” The answer of course was no.  I wouldn’t dream of demeaning my beloveds thinking that would produce the empowerment and acceptance that comes from good self-esteem.  Furthermore, don’t I believe resentment blocks peace of mind, clarity and abundance?  So, why wouldn’t  holding a resentment towards myself be part of the problem recently?  I clearly needed to forgive myself... for everything. 

The question was, “How can I do that?”  The Universe answered. The same way I have forgiven everyone else I needed to forgive in my life.  By  putting myself in God’s immeasurably large shoes and looking through His eyes at the person I needed to forgive.  This time it was me.  

So, this was the morning...  He must have sensed my peace and comfort and thought it a good time to remind me of my commitment to work with Him on a forgiveness letter, written in my hand, from His compassionate heart.  He suggested we do this and pay no attention to the crazy blonde lady who often party-crashes inside my head.  

This is what We wrote:

My beautiful child,

I hear your words and they cut like a Samurai’s sword.  Oh, the evil things you say about my creation.... YOU.  Life is not about your mistakes, failings, and poor choices.  Life is about experiencing, learning, growing and moving through the good, the bad and the devastating.  I see that it is often in the pitchiest blackness, you’ve turned to Me and learned to trust my guidance and voice.  Why do you question that it is My voice?   I’ve seen you flourish with little light, and grow beyond your perceptions of your limitations.  It’s time now, to walk into the Light and see that for yourself.  No human being enters into this material world all knowing.  I placed you into this classroom to learn, grow and recognize your true spiritual nature.  I gave you Life and experiences to be your teacher.  I signed My name in blood on your life contract so that YOU would never know the suffering of unforgiveness. You learned the importance of forgiving  others, but you diminish MY gift to you? Do you realize, when you do that, you block the power I give you to live in abundance, peace, and joy.   You must recognize, my love, when you know better, you do better.  Your self-talk is so vicious about many of your life choices.  My precious one, don’t you see, it has been your choices that have helped you to grow and evolve into your spiritual skin?  The choices you have made, while you may see them as negative, have cultivated your intuition, compassion, loving spirit, and many other spiritual gifts that I placed in you.  How would you know what sacred love looks like without seeing what it isn’t?  Look to Me. I have shown you the kind of love you have craved, so you can NOW pick people that respect and honor you as I do.   I see you focus so often on your perception of what you haven’t achieved.  Why do you not celebrate all you have achieved?  I do.  Everyday I give you breath, I celebrate a woman who has overcome many obstacles and turned her life into one of hope, possibility, tenacity,  authenticating My work by being who she is, the woman I created -- In big, bold, cursive writing for the world to see.  I see a woman who is honest, strong, loving, capable, kind, generous and deserving of all that she already offers to others.  I see a woman whose needs, desires, hopes and dreams have a right to be acknowledged.  You just have to speak up, my dear, and claim them.  I see a woman who yes, has sometimes fallen, but always picks herself back up, wiser and more compassionate to the human condition. Let Me help you put away the pommeling stick.  It doesn’t honor either one of us for you to continue to reject My perfect Grace.  I forgave you for every sin before your sins were even manifested.  Today, I am asking you to forgive yourself and remove this Samurai sword which continues to break My heart.   Today I am asking you to take My hand and the two of us will wipe your slate clean.  Can I hear you say... I forgive, I am forgiven, I forgive myself?  I love you. 

Thank you,
Your Greatest Fan (aka God)