Word of the Year 2014 - A Final Examination and More Honorable Adieu to Examining My Unexamined Life

I slammed my beloved blog closed on my 60th birthday.  No graceful departure.  Apparently, I gave no real warnings to my readership.  Surprisingly, I heard about it from some family and friends and people I only knew through the blog.   I didn’t realize anyone still read it! I thought it had run its course as all things in life seem to do.  Unless, we are of the mindset to fight change and make ourselves miserable. Some of us do that you know. Hang on for dear life to things that aren’t meant for us, serving us well, or simple ignorance in knowing maybe there is something more, meant for us.  I lived like that once upon a time.  More recently though, any examining, as well as writing, screeched to halt.  It wasn’t deliberate.  In the midst of several life altering events, there wasn’t enough time, or maybe, it just wasn’t important to me anymore.  I was blessed to finally move forward, literally and figuratively.  I might have even been enjoying the severing of a few ties that had wrapped their tentacles first around my heart, and later wound up around my neck. Being where I was, seemed to be choking the life out of me. When I got out of examining my head (and  left Dodge), I felt like I could breathe without the searing pain of remembrance and too much stress. The only thing I was planning on writing on any agenda, if I had to have one,  was the word, enjoy.  That’s how I wanted to live now.  In Joy.  My idea of a perfect day was to gaze into the moment, cross-legged, inhaling the healing breaths of gratitude, feeling them seep into my weathered spirit.

On some level entering a new decade of life AND changing residences, I might have even unconsciously wanted to break free from anything (my blog)  that could tie me down or put me in a vulnerable place again.  Good grief, my blog opened me up wide.  And once I started, I couldn't stop.  While it turned on the lights to connection and authenticity, it also laid the groundwork for rejection and judgement. I had placed myself into a position,  more vulnerable than I ever have been. With anyone. Ever. And, through it all, writing the words; cracking the code on what made me tick,  I grew and I healed.  

So, how dare I not honorably acknowledge the end to my tiny, insignificant musings into cyber space.  If nothing else I thought later, it provided at no cost, (except for my own embarrassment)  an avenue for free therapy.  Spewing my insecurities and dysfunction into words rather than private thoughts,  was highly cathartic and gently ushered in clarity.   A surprising off shoot  was some new, like-minded friends, who were grateful they weren’t alone in their perceived flaws, and found a voice through mine. There are few things better in this life than intimacy….of the soul.  The kind that makes you realize it is safe to be who you are because we really are all alike and connected. 

Another gift, was my miraculous and growing awareness to some of the secrets to living well, while in this body, on this earth.  I made it a mission through prayer, quiet time, and my words, to learn (often relearn)  some of those lessons I have now come to realize are just a part of my life plan.  Aka: God’s Will.  I learned how to listen.  I learned how to be alone.   I learned what doesn’t kill you, sure does make you stronger, but it doesn't need to make you meaner.   I learned how to love myself without expecting outside reinforcement in order to feel loved.  I discovered how worthy I am, always.  I learned how to accept, not always graciously, that whatever happens, happens;  and it is up to me how I choose to process it.   Most of all I learned that so many of the gifts I have been seeking, rest in my own little hands.  I choose my happiness.   I am in charge of CREATING the life I want to live.  

So, it just seemed natural to make my word for 2014, CREATE.  

My ah ha moment arrived with a sweet little silver turtle I received this Christmas as a gift.  On it’s back, in a rainbow of colors, were the words, Enjoy the Journey. Contained in the simplicity of this message, was a big discovery.  It has been a journey.  My blog. My life.  Even in the darkest hours when I couldn’t see any purpose or joy, the journey was still progressing.  It was still there, extending the hand of love and understanding.  True, sometimes it seemed halted,  slowed and hidden by the clouds.   But,  those were often of my own making.  I chose to wear the shroud that kept me trapped in grief, loss, fear, and lack, rather than remembering the things that were treasured and holy.   When I began to understand this, when I knew I was the force behind continuing misery, I was then able to move on, further into the mysteries of God’s will for my life.  

In 2011 my word of the year was BLOSSOM.  I did.  I worked hard at discovering my unique talents, my purpose - through meditation, prayer, and connecting with my Higher Power. I invested time in me and in Him. He showed me how to move through the clouds by always remembering the sun.  It's still there, even if it isn't shining.   In 2012 my word of the year was FREEDOM.  Once we know who we are and love ourselves, we are free.  Others opinions, words, and approval is not important. I set myself free that year.  In 2013 my word of the year was FEARLESS.  I have always been a bit of a risk-taker.  This year I was fearless;  moving out into the world as an authentic me, taking charge of my life, asking for what I needed and wanted, opening myself up honestly, and actively pursuing what was good for me.    How perfect then is the word of the year for 2014 to have bubbled up as, CREATE.  It’s just another exciting project on my journey.  I am responsible for CREATING the life I want to see and live.  I am responsible for my happiness, success, and peace of mind.  What a beautiful word for 2014 and to end this blog with.  CREATE.   I can almost hear all of those who love me; the living and those in heaven, breathing a sigh of relief and whispering, “I think she gets it.”   

Thank you dear Examining Blog for guiding my awakening life,  and handing me the keys to enjoying my journey.   Happy New Year.  Happy New Life! 

P.S.   Oh, yes, I am forgetting the most important reward of this little blog.  It appears I am no longer ruled by the opinions, motives, likes, comments, shares and approvals  in order to know that I am really a writer. A damn good one.  (Well, a little honesty here… I do believe this.   Most days.) I know it is a gift that I am called  to share with others. The only voice I keep tuned into now,  is the One within. The only like I need is the contented feeling that burns in my heart,  knowing it's my best. For today.     With that being said, I think I just might start a new blog someday.  I will call it- Too Soon Old... Too Late Smart. 

Small change, small wonders-- these are the currency of endurance and ultimately of my life. It’s a workable economy- Barbara Kingsolver

A recent blog post on Positively Positive invited me to come up with a birthday bucket list.  First, Happy Birthday to Me!  I’m immensely grateful when my birthdays arrive.  I don’t have a problem with getting older.  I feel blessed to increase the number of my years on this earth.  I’ve already lived to be 8 years older than my mom was when she died, and 20 years longer than my husband!    The temptation is there sometimes to wallow in a bit of survivor’s guilt, pine away about all they could have/would have enjoyed had they lived.... Like grand babies, retirement, and years of tender love and attention, but I don’t have the time to act martyr like or feel guilty about much of anything anymore.  Guilt free...one of the blessings of learning and practicing being kind is more important than being right, doing the next right thing is lots easier than manipulating truth, and applying the Golden Rule as much as possible.  The reward is,  I don’t have anything to feel guilty about!  Besides, my mom and husband were fine examples of living their bucket lists, fully.

It’s a good thing for me to glance back briefly and reflect on the changes that can happen in just one year.  I'm always amazed.  I’ve done that again this year.  As wide open as I am these days about so much of my life,  some of those changes feel real personal and private, and I intend to hold them close to my heart, at least for awhile. Initially, upon investigation, it didn't appear there were many, but further reflection reinforced the truth.   I recognized the movements forward this past year or so (and it’s all been in that direction whether I recognized it immediately or not) were incremental, cumulative, rather than big gang-buster, fireworks stuff; the kind of events I've always measured a banner year by.   Like traveling to foreign lands, climbing mountains, jumping out of planes, hopping on Prince Charming’s white horse, hitting a jackpot, or achieving a little fame.   It seems I've always measured my progress and the quality of excitement in my life by all of that BIG stuff.  Or BIG dramas and changes.  Like the year I was downsized from a 17 year career, saw my daughter graduate from College AND get married within months... and lost my husband.  My nest was not only empty, my tree was stripped bare and the nest got knocked to the ground to be stomped on by squirrels.  That was a dramatic year.  Maybe when you've lived a life of major flux, which appears to be the majority of my story, it’s hard to recognize you’re still evolving unless you're in state of constant euphoria or chaos.   

I guess, that in itself is a change for me!  My measuring stick is a pocket ruler now rather than a yardstick.  I've begun to learn about accepting baby steps as progress, most recently in my attempts to drop the 20 pounds I have been trying to shake for the past 6-7 years.  I finally joined Weight Watchers, and unlike times in the past when I wanted to drop a few pounds and it rapidly melted off, the scales now, while reflecting a decline almost every single week, has drifted down in the teensiest of movement - 1/2 pound here, 1/4 of a pound there. Nonetheless, it's predominately been on the decline, ounce by ounce.  I am getting smaller.  Incrementally, over a course of time, it adds up to some big accomplishment. 

So, this year, rather than paste up a dream board that looks like a season from the Great Race, or design a bucket list from the perspective of a starry eyed 20 year old with few life experiences, I’ve kept it simpler.  This has nothing to do with the fire that still burns in my spirit, the spot where my dreams reside, or lowering my standards.  This is a simple recognition, that sometimes, it's the baby steps that get us there, and they do add up. That consistent acceptance and acknowledgement that there is an order to things and it's all good, even if it feels a little boring, like a hot, lazy, summer.   These are some of things I would like to shoot for in this next birth year. They're  just on the list... I'm not a failure if I find myself with an unchecked bucket list item, next year. 

Ready...stepping out there, leisurely and gently... 

• Reteach myself French so I can whisper beautiful sentiments to those I love, including myself.  
• Downsize.  My Bucket List. My belongings.  My lifestyle.  My expectations; especially of others.
• Stir up those creative juices... tune up the sewing machine.  Have my friends teach me to knit, again...  Make a fun pillow for each one of my little girls to snuggle, giggle, and cry in!     Paint a piece of furniture a fun color. 
• Design my own recovery/support cards.  Who better to understand what others need to hear?
• Go on a spiritual retreat. Omega Institute? Yes! (Uh-Oh.  Here we go again, big bucket list item)  Perhaps. Or, at a local church.  
• Treat myself to a pedicure or facial more often. Forgo the cheese and crackers, and use the money saved for a massage.
• Write. Write. Write. Every day.  For myself or for publication.  Just do it.. Every day. 
• Practice Yoga... often. Five minutes or an hour, doesn't matter.     
• Nap.  Delicious afternoon respites cuddling with a loved one... Or a body pillow. 
• Cook.  Host mini parties to celebrate everything, a new haircut, a new moon, life. 
• Hand out a whole lot more hugs, kisses and love you’s. 

There’s more.  But, it’s a secret. I’ll tell you on my next birthday! 

La vie est bon!  

"There is nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged to find the ways in which you, yourself have altered." - Nelson Mandela

If you concentrate on finding whatever is good in every situation, you will discover that your life will suddenly be filled with gratitude, a feeling that nurtures the soul. - Rabbi Harold Kushner (from the essay “God’s fingerprints on the Soul”. Source: Handbook for the Soul)

Finding gratitude in unlikely places this Thanksgiving....

My last blog post touched on the idea of gratitude and blessings.  Rabbi Kushner’s thoughts seem to be turning up in many of my readings recently.  In the last decade I’ve learned to note those serendipity's and gentle nudges.   I’m not nearly as evolved as the Rabbi in my ability to find something meaningful in life’s disappointments, and tragedies, but I do believe, just being willing, is meeting God half way in our quest for understanding.  It’s much easier to do this when the sea has calmed and you’re miles up the beach looking back. But it is possible to engage some gratitude in the midst of the storm.  This year, in honor of Thanksgiving, I want to give it my best shot, examining those less obvious blessings. 

In the past I’ve ticked off my gratitude like a shopping list essentially parroting the same things year after year.  Not to minimize them because they aren’t givens.  They’re gifts.  I am immensely grateful for my family, a roof over my head, plenty of food on my table, good friends, experiencing a great love, and living in a free country (as challenged as it appears at times).  In hindsight, I have had a year of ambiguous blessings which packed a big, spiritual punch.  Many joys peppered with a  few profound sorrows has enabled me to practice Rabbi Kushner's search for good in every situation.   That’s been the biggest blessing of all;  an emerging awareness asking me to look for the gems.  To do that, I have to pay very close attention to the moment and the people in it:  listening intently, observing, and tuning into others.  I also had to consciously look at my life as a giant university teaching me about my real essence which is not my physical body and ego.  I do get caught up in the lure and shallowness of that from time to time.  Challenges arise, giving me exactly what I need, to expand me, exactly when I need it and my soul is growing as I navigate life.  Sometimes I need to  repeat a class or two over (and over) again!  Yet, something really shifted this year.  

I am attributing this shift to that state of willingness, and tuning in as an observer rather than a judge.  When my appreciation is drilled down that simply, no matter what other chaos is happening around me, I can generally find some gems.   Things aren’t always what they seem, and the times which are ugly, buried beneath all the pain or suffering, is a timeless heirloom we get to carry with us for the rest of our lives when we really look for it.  

Here is a small sampling of my gratitude list for Thanksgiving 2011.  I am grateful for:

Knowing Unconditional love. We all want that.  Some of us struggle thinking we aren’t worthy of it and often aren’t capable of recognizing what it is and means. Unconditional love does not mean tolerating abuse or unacceptable behavior.  One of my most profound moments came from an unexpected source.  My beloved brother. In a late night discussion, I revealed some thoughts about why I seem to settle for so much less than I deserve.  His response to me was, “Rather than trying so hard with someone who doesn’t appreciate the beauty of you, or wants to change you, why don’t you look at the unconditional love you already have in your life?  I love you.  My family loves you. Your family loves you.  The best part, we all love you exactly as you are and will always love you no matter what you do.”  This kind of love gives me permission to try, make mistakes, make changes, succeed, regress, become.  If you love something, set it free.  If it comes back to you, it’s yours.  If it doesn’t it never was. This kind of love could change the world.  It did mine.  Finally recognizing how well I am loved eliminates any desire to settle for less than what I already have...... from anyone.  Shine on! 

An example of how to live a joy filled life.  My young, beautiful cousin passed away this year.  The prototype of her life,  well lived, surrounded by love, in a  state of surrender and acceptance, are now daily aspirations for me.   Could I apply those qualities, especially in the minutia of my life?  If she could live and die in this kind of grace, I surely can remember, most of what I find myself upset or obsessing about, isn't important and if I can take no positive action to change it, I’ll be much more at peace if I surrender to it.   When I want to put off until tomorrow what I could/should be savoring today, I am also reminded that the happiest, emotionally healthiest individuals, are those that recognize today is all we have. Live in it.  

Experiencing Rejection.  I’ve had a few of these this year.  It wore on me and played nasty tricks on my self-esteem.   By mid year, thanks to an angel who said to me, repeatedly,  Rejection is God’s Protection....I not only now believe it myself, but I understand it!   If I am not given what I think I want in this life, a particular job, man, material object, or friendship, there is a reason.  It’s not mine to be had.  I am not supposed to be there at this time. It’s not a fit or perhaps, good for me.  I get that now.  Not only do I get it, I am also grateful for the protection.  I know the best things for me, are yet to come and I don’t need to keep banging on boarded up and dead bolted doors.  Perhaps I have just learned to trust in the Architect's design for my life. 

Learning to Welcome Change.  My moniker has always been The Queen of Change.  It’s a fact; I have had to adapt to a great deal of change in my life.  Much of it forced upon me by unfortunate circumstance.  Looking back, I’m immensely grateful now for the gift of emotional flexibility change has taught me.  This all ties in with God’s protection of me (see above).  If change happens, its simply time to do something different and grow.  I trust change as a necessary process in the evolution of my soul.  I am grateful for putting down my sword and making peace with change.    

My faith and an intimate connection with my Creator. I’ve always known there was something larger than me running things. I just really didn’t feel comfortable having a relationship with anything that powerful.  Power, equaled control and authority, something I’ve  rebelled against all my life.  My perception of God was, he was either my dad- restricting and punishing, or in times of burning desires granted, Santa Claus. When I did begin to view God in a more positive manner, I still just thought I wasn't one of His chosen.  I was the red-headed step-child, treated a little differently.   Something evolved in the past few years. The relationship I have now is one of communication, and the purest, sweetest love imaginable.  For me, God is not "out there", an authoritarian figure sitting on a throne doling out judgement or blessings.  God is a part of me - the holy spirit which guides me, comforts me and most of all shares with me.  All I need to do is tune in and listen rather than doing all the asking and talking.  (More reflections on the God of my understanding are forthcoming as the holidays near). 

In review, this year has again brought many earthly treasures into my life, and I am so  grateful for those riches.   Sometimes, though we have to dig a little deeper to unearth the heavenly gifts that will sustain far longer than a roof over our head or food in our belly's.  

Happy Thanksgiving to all!  May you take time to reflect and identify the good and your gratitude for those things that may not be so apparent this holiday season.