26 years - A day of Flashbacks and Reminders delivered on Butterfly Wings

July 17, 1987 is branded into my memory.  It was my first day without any alcohol or mood altering chemicals.  It wasn’t a pleasant experience.  A body whose cells have been saturated in booze, slurped up like a dehydrated camel, every day--- for a few years, rebels.  Mine had become accustomed and needed it just to function and feel normal.  Deprivation, produced massive shakes, dry heaves, chills, paranoia, hallucinations, and a foreboding that if you didn’t pour some more poison into your body, you would clearly hear the gates of Hell slam behind you;  trapped forever in the grips of something much worse than death. Even when my mind begged to stop the madness, my body wouldn’t allow it. Until the morning of July 17, 1987.   The buck and the booze stopped there. 

On that morning,I fearfully awakened from my chemically induced coma, and I discovered my last empty half gallon bottle of 150 proof vodka was bone dry.  A Milli-second of clarity flashed.   The bottles weren’t the only thing empty.  A lifetime of my worst fear, was now a reality... The house was empty.  Everyone had left me. Glancing in the mirror ( I could never really look full on) I saw this reflection of empty eyes - no lights.  Just hollow darkness peering out from an even darker soul.  A card carrying member of the living dead, skin over bones, crazy hair and all. 

The next three days were spent locked in a torture chamber of pain and suffering, shutting off the outside world.  I did allow entry to my compassionate, former husband. May God always bless him.  He brought cigarettes, which I thought might help my tortured body.  He held them to my mouth because I was unable to stop the shakes.  Later, he told me I looked like Linda Blair, in the final stage, before her Exorcism.  Yeah.  In retrospect that was a great correlation.  The demon of addiction had completely taken over my mind, body and soul. 

Jesus rose from the dead on the third day, bringing hope and healing and glory to God.  I was in such a terrible state, I lay in my self imposed tomb until the fourth day.   I will spend my lifetime continuing MY message of hope, gratitude and giving all the glory to God.  That day,  I made myself wash my hair and shower.  I sipped a little orange juice, pushing past the gag reflex.  My body had not seen nutrition in weeks and my bony legs wobbled like a newborn farm animal as I attempted to put one foot in front of another. I had feeble hope, that day,  but a fleeting thought infiltrated my still woozy brain cells.  I had not had a drink of alcohol in four days.  And that, was a miracle.  It was the longest stretch of time in a few years.

Months later when asked, what flipped the switch, I gave it some thought. I honestly did not know, but it was surely miraculous. What had happened?  Why, on July 17th did I not do, what had become so natural for me to do?  Drink.  My ego was so big,  I considered myself a woman of great strength, with massive amounts of discipline and will-power.  Yet this was a force more powerful than anything I could do or say to master or control it. 

Twenty-six years later, I think about those four days of detox and the torture, and it all comes rushing back--- the physical feelings- the emotion, and one small plea I uttered in the midst of the suffering.  I said, “If there is anything out there that can help. If there is a God of compassion,  I CAN’T DO THIS ON MY OWN AND I NEED YOU.  The words were probably just whispered, or maybe they were only in my head.  It didn’t matter.  I had just come to believe..... 

That was the day I came to. 

It wasn’t long before I recognized that coming to wasn’t going to be nearly enough. I knew my self-will had not served me well and it would take more than believing in a power greater.  So, I took an even bigger risk, and turned my will and life over to God, with the caveat... as I understood him.  This step forward has changed my life forever. 

Twenty-Six years later, every morning before rising, I still turn my will and life over to the  God of my understanding.  My God is kind, nurturing, non-judgemental, a bit of my ideal father/mother  figure too... occasionally letting me experiment with those things I think I have to do or must have.  He knows sometimes we learn our biggest lessons when He allows us to just take the training wheels off before we've learned to ride the bike.  When I end up crashing, He gently picks me up, and treats my boo-boos with his unconditional love.  I then ask for his protection and turn my will and life over to his care again. He keeps his hand on the back of my bike, running along with me, until I get all independent and smack His hands away. Repeat.   

Twenty-Six years later and this practice of turning my will and life over to the care of God has freed me of so much worry and leaves space for me to live in serenity, joy... And the kind of gratitude that makes me shimmer like a princess dipped in fairy dust.   He’s got my back.  I don’t ever need to worry.  I am always right where I am supposed to be and I don’t need to ask why, or try to  figure it out.  He is right beside me guiding me forward into a life of growth, enlightenment and the kind of intimate relationship I have been seeking all my life. 

I was reminded of that this morning.  As I rushed out the door to get into my car for an appointment, I saw something out of the corner of my eye.  My hands were full so I couldn’t brush it off.  Lighting on my bare shoulder was a brilliant orange, multi-marked butterfly.  Not only did it land, it sat there for what seemed like minutes. I know it was a special anniversary gift, and a reminder, I AM Happy, Joyous and Free.  

All because I came to believe.

The greatest act of faith takes place when a man finally decides that he is not God. - Johann Wolfgang Goethe

Coming to believe, making the decision and conscious contact...... My emerging love affair with God...

I grew up in a traditional Christian faith, a denomination whose doctrine was relatively  rigid and really intimidating.  I rarely felt home there, and so many of the beliefs, I just couldn’t wrap my mind around.  Even at a young age, they didn’t make sense to me.  If God was so powerful and created everything, why would he act like an insolent child and with the stamp of His big foot, destroy the world?  Sure, people were acting in an unrighteous manner, but isn’t He supposed to be above the pettiness of retribution and judgment? After all, He’s God!   And what about His forgiveness message? I need to forgive others to be forgiven?   Didn’t that apply to Him too? Turning folks into pillars of salt, or condemning them to eternal flames didn’t sound particularly compassionate.   To me, He acted like a big bully.   I can’t say I didn’t believe in God, because I did.  I just really didn’t like Him much.  I attributed any suffering in my life as His punishment, doled out because I was a bad person.  The Bible alluded to that,  and I probably couldn’t pay enough dues, nor would there be enough of Jesus' blood for me to gain admittance into heaven anyhow.  I later decided, I really wouldn’t enjoy heaven much anyway since the folks that were going to get in, were obviously brown nosers.... and it must be just a big clique based on favorites and exclusivity, not really much different than life on earth.    There was enough dishonesty, judgment, and anger already present in my life, and if that’s what folks were all about that entered the kingdom, it wasn’t for me.  This idea of calling Him my Heavenly Father was absurd too.  He was sure doing a lousy job of taking care of His child (me) in my mind,  and frankly a real poor example.  Did He walk like He talked?  No way.  If that was what God and religion were all about,  well, who needed it! 

 For many years, I drifted after cutting the cord of my childhood faith and dipped my toe into the fountains of one religious affiliation after another. No immersion for me, just a short visit to review the particulars of each one's varied beliefs.   When any scent of punishment or damnation entered the picture,  I would be off and running in my quest to find a God of love.  I seriously traveled many spiritual roads; from TV evangelists, to the study of other religions, until one would disappoint, again, in their imperfection and humanness.  Perhaps man may have been created in God’s image, but I didn’t want my God to think like man!  I just knew I was better off taking care of my own business because there wasn’t any tangible support coming my way - not from Him, not from anyone.  

I thought I was doing a fine job of it, until I got into a little trouble in my late 20’s with alcohol.  As I spun out of control leaving a wake of destruction in the path of those who had the unfortunate sentence of being a part of my life, I began to recognize, this was something even I couldn’t manage to take care of on my own.  All my attempts at self-control, discipline, and will-power were failing miserable.  I was in a real predicament.  Praying to THAT God of my childhood was not an option for me here either.   At the lowest ebb of my darkness of the soul, I cried out to ANYTHING out there, literally,  and asked for reinforcement.  Seems the plea sounded like this... “If there is something out there,  please help me. I can’t do this myself.”  From that point forward, my problem with alcohol was lifted.   It wasn’t until several years later I recognized what had happened.  Twelve step groups are based on a series of suggested instructions for release from the bondage of addictions, self will run riot, and hopeless lives, providing a pathway towards rebirth, and serenity.  The First Step asks me to surrender and recognize my powerlessness over alcohol, life, food, relationships, (pick your poison). No doubt, I was powerless.  The Second Step asks me to come to believe there is a power greater than me (totally against everything I was taught but what were my options) who could restore me to sanity. The Third Step asks me to just make the decision to turn my will and my life over to A power greater than me.  It doesn’t define that greater power.... It doesn’t say, it’s God, Jesus, Buddha, Lao Tzu, the Republican Party or the current man of the day. It doesn’t tell me I have to be good enough before He’ll help.  It doesn’t even say it’s a He. Just a power greater than me.  The simple acknowledgment that there actually could  be SOMETHING greater than myself, was enough to set into motion the best journey of my life; seeking  a God who works for me in ways that create an environment of love, kindness, flexibility, honesty, growth, and evolution.  This God is the God of my understanding.  Not my daughter’s, my neighbors, Moses, the Dali Lama, Buddha, or the Christian Church.  Instead, a God I have come to know as pure love, present in my life always, revealing Himself (or Herself depending on whether dudes are in my good graces that day- it doesn't matter, I can't put a label on God) through others, nature, and acts of generosity, compassion, and love.  What a beautiful beginning... 

Step Eleven came about a few years into my pursuit of the Twelve Steps, and this new found God of my understanding.   Step Eleven asks me to “Seek through prayer and meditation to improve my conscious contact.”   This is not a chore for me. This is where the joy comes in.   I know now, all those years of questioning and conflict have simply brought me to a place where I yearn to move closer and closer in my relationship with my God.  There is a lovely Sufi saying which says, "Our longing for God is God’s longing for us."  I believe we are all born into this world with that longing. It may get hidden under layers of fear based teachings designed to keep the masses in check, but  that desire for relationship calls us home, and asks of us that we just recognize that there is a God, and we aren’t it. Then, the fun begins.    

Religious Beliefs are as unique to an individual as fingerprints.  Sadly, we live in a World of intolerance.  We attach labels to people and their faith - He’s a Muslim.  She’s Catholic.  He’s a Buddhist, or a Spiritualist.  We have so many versions of suggested pathways to God.   Christianity in itself has too many denominations to count.  I used to  wonder if they all read from the same Bible, each one interpreting it from the mind and voice of man and a diversity of personal opinion.  I wonder how many people are sacrificed at the altar of Religion because of  close-mindedness, judgment, and attempts at control through fear.   Fear never works as a motivator, not in the long haul.   Fear is the Petri dish of intolerance, hatred, isolation, and a myriad of other ugly byproducts like deception, dishonesty, murder and war.  My God is a God of love, and love alone.  My God would never be a champion of any of that.  My God works for me and in me, to create the kind of human being I want to project to the world.   I'm not perfect, but I do now have a goal.  And that goal is to think like God thinks, one day at a time.   In order for me to do that, I can't afford to entertain those qualities that arise from man - fear based judgments and territorial teachings.  

I have come to know, in an intimate manner, there  is a Power Greater and I'm not it.  Thank God.  Because I'm not it, means I have no right to impose, or judge others Power Greater.  All those years.... walking away from the God of "my religion's" understanding has led me to a better, more honorable place for me.  One of awe, faith and joy.  It's brought me to a place where I can take what I need from the roots of my childhood religion and discard the rest.  I enjoy gathering with like minded others in the worship of our Creator in many places.   I just tune out the judgment parts and keep my eyes on the examples of His LOVE in the cross of Jesus,  and the faces of those who have found a God of their understanding.   CS Lewis says it best:  "A man can no more diminish God’s glory by refusing to worship Him than a lunatic can put out the sun by scribbling the word, “darkness” on the walls of his cell." I believe that and I believe God reveals Himself in many beautifully different and divine ways. 

I choose a God of Love as the God of my understanding.  May you recognize you can choose what works for you too.  If you're struggling to find one, you can borrow mine until you  find your own.  My God loves you deeply too!