Resurrecting Gratitude

I woke this morning with a small person lying beside me, her sweet face lost in dreams of all that is holy and beautiful.   A rush of gratitude washed over me and it felt like a baptism.  I hadn’t felt that for a long, long time.  My spirit was lighter, like some of  the heaviness of the last few years had left me and gone scavenging for someone else’s joy to devour.  A silvery thread of illumination, hiding behind my heart, revealed there was a search light in there somewhere if I could just flip its switch and look for other thankful moments hidden away  far too long.  The deep depression that had been suffocating me, through pillows of self- pity, shame, and regret  began lifting.  After I stopped struggling so mightily, they too gave up the battle to destroy my life and when they left, I grabbed onto any ribbon of hope.  One of those ribbons showed up in the teachings, excerpted from a book by Father Richard Rohr, Breathing Underwater. He refers to God as Father of Light.  It is that concept of a Higher Power that is helping to bring me back to a my personal relationship with God.  And, a helpful tool that I have been using every day.  

“Only an hour-by-hour gratitude is strong enough to overcome all temptations to resentment.” - Father Rohr 

Resentments.  I’ve had a few.   Being on social media did not help me in that area.  Everyone’s life looks so incredibly rich and blessed, or at least that is what people want you to think.  All polished up with their Sunday best on display.  Father Rohr says, “If there is one characteristic of holy people, I would say it’s honesty.  They just don’t pretend anymore.  They are not into pretense and performance and trying to present that they are something other than what they really are.  They’ve met the enemy, and the enemy  is themselves.” That statement fit like a puzzle piece in my goals for this year. 

Authenticity as a pathway to God and being who you were created to be. 

I’ve known for years I am my own worst enemy.  It’s a lesson that continues to repeat itself.  Maybe lessons are like taking French in High School and speaking relatively fluently for the first year, but when you visit Paris five years later, a refresher course is needed to fine-tune what you thought you learned.  And, if you don’t practice it on a daily basis, you lose a great deal of your skill.  

Gratitude is like that too.  A spiritual skill necessary to a happy, peaceful life.  

It’s hard to find much genuine gratitude, the kind that sticks to your ribs and leaves you fully satiated when you are busy comparing yourself and your life to others. Comparison is a coffin to feelings of gratitude.  I’ve also discovered through the years, the simpler things we learn to be grateful for, have a longer-lasting effect on us than the worldly things. 

Detaching from the bright lights of other people’s happy lives showcased online, was essential for me this summer in order for me recognize the biggest blessings arrive in smallest moments of my own life.  I am a child of the Father of Light.  I have inherited His light and it was time to cast on the beauty present in my life, hour by hour:

A sleeping grand-daughter.

As I type this, my view of the sunshine streaming through the trees and warming my head.

A safe trip home with a headful of memorable adventures of New York City for my oldest grand-daughter to share with me. 

The ability to get up from a lounge chair at the pool this year.

Surrounded by sunshine, flowers, and peace on my patio reading my latest book.

Eyes to read my book.

Coffee from Seattle.

An easy, healthy, summer dinner with my mother and sister-in-law.

The feeling of color and heat on my slightly sunburned skin.

The chill of the ice cream flavor of the week on my tongue.

The strong legs that are emerging from trips to the gym again.

The unconditional love of friends who make time for me.

Hour by hour, something to be grateful for is doing some deep cleaning and revealing a good soul, who is much too hard on herself and whose life is perfect, just as it is in this very moment.  

 Thank you Father of Light for rewiring mine and reminding me gratitude is an hour by hour deal. 

Gratitude

A Birthday Reflection... Written in gratitude

I’ve been spending way too much time recently thinking about how different my life would be, if only...... If only you were here with me to share some of these heavy, day to day burdens heralded in by this ghastly recession and too little: support, time, opportunity, money, energy.   If only you were here to savor the sweetest little girls ever... your granddaughters.  You would delight in their happy outlooks and inquisitive minds.  When I close my eyes, I  can see you and the relationship you'd have with each one of them.  Sydney would be your co-conspirator, partner in crime; the two of you exploring, being ornery together. Sydney tries it all, just like you.   Alex.. you would torment her... like you did Christi.  She’s the sensitive one, just like Christi.  She's the one with the soft little voice and spirit. And, she too would come to know, just like Christi, that your challenging her helped her  to acknowledge her intelligence, hone her many gifts.  The two of you, in reality, were so much alike. Sometimes seeing ourselves reflected in another is the perfect mirror in allowing us to discover the brightest facets of the prism of our personalities too.   Oh, my...   And, Cameron would be your little love bug. She'd make you laugh, and laugh at your silly jokes too. She would help you see the world as it should be seen; simply and delighfully with her awareness and innocent wisdom.   You would be so incredibly proud of both Scott and Christi.  The kind of parents they are and the kind of compassionate and giving human beings they’ve become too.  They're just like you with their community and volunteerism efforts, something I never really shared with you.  You knew I was better one on one, helping people in a quieter, more private manner, and you honored that.  Maybe that's why we made such a great team.  We both couldn't take center stage.   It would make you beam to see the desire and contributions of this lovely young family of yours,  towards a better community, and better world. I hope it would make you smile in knowing  that I've finally opened up to the world some too, sharing my experiences with the intent of helping someone else in their journey.

I thought about all of these things, today, especially.  How many adventures would we have had... How much of the world would we have seen by now?  Would we be working together towards our common dream of business ownership or even be business owners now?  Would our home be a haven and reflection of us, a place where others felt comfortable stopping by too and sharing in our good fortunes?   Would we have stayed true to our plans to make a difference in this world by continuing to be the change we wanted to see?  Would we still be traveling down similar spiritual paths? I know we would still be celebrating a family of fabulous July birthdays in the signature Mahoney style,  those big Irish celebrations of life.  I miss throwing those parties.    

It would take a large notebook to list all of the things I miss about you.  I think if I could only pick one, it would be the way you made me feel... always... in your presence.  Safe, valued, supported... adored.   You called forth the very best in me, and asked only one thing... that I love myself too and let my light shine.   

This morning,  as I sat in the spot where you took your last breath,  I prayed so hard for you to just touch in.  Give me some advice.  Tell me what to do next so I can let my light shine and make you proud, make me proud and leave a legacy of a happy life filled with integrity, goodness, and joy when its my time to depart this earthly plane. 

I know you are near.  I just heard your voice, shushing me, reassuring me, letting me know heaven has heard my prayers.  I just need to rest quietly and watch for the signs. Watch and listen.... The answers do come along with the rain, in the persistent pounding of the waves on the beach, the blossoming of my poor little half dead flowers, that confident little red cardinal staring me down from the kitchen window, and inside a spectacular full moon.  

Until we meet again, I will look for you with my heart.  I know it is then you will come.  Like the rain. Sometimes gently preceded by signs...the soft smells of nature and the cooling air:  I'll know you are on your way, slipping easily into my thoughts.  Other times surprising me with a downpour and intensity, chastising me for spending way too much time, dwelling on the what-ifs instead of celebrating and being grateful for the what was and IS. 

 If only you were here?  You are. 

Happy Birthday my love.... 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=crTc1V34m8g

(Thank you my precious daughter for sharing this perfect Tracy Chapman song with me!  It does indeed say it all....)

If you concentrate on finding whatever is good in every situation, you will discover that your life will suddenly be filled with gratitude, a feeling that nurtures the soul. - Rabbi Harold Kushner (from the essay “God’s fingerprints on the Soul”. Source: Handbook for the Soul)

Finding gratitude in unlikely places this Thanksgiving....

My last blog post touched on the idea of gratitude and blessings.  Rabbi Kushner’s thoughts seem to be turning up in many of my readings recently.  In the last decade I’ve learned to note those serendipity's and gentle nudges.   I’m not nearly as evolved as the Rabbi in my ability to find something meaningful in life’s disappointments, and tragedies, but I do believe, just being willing, is meeting God half way in our quest for understanding.  It’s much easier to do this when the sea has calmed and you’re miles up the beach looking back. But it is possible to engage some gratitude in the midst of the storm.  This year, in honor of Thanksgiving, I want to give it my best shot, examining those less obvious blessings. 

In the past I’ve ticked off my gratitude like a shopping list essentially parroting the same things year after year.  Not to minimize them because they aren’t givens.  They’re gifts.  I am immensely grateful for my family, a roof over my head, plenty of food on my table, good friends, experiencing a great love, and living in a free country (as challenged as it appears at times).  In hindsight, I have had a year of ambiguous blessings which packed a big, spiritual punch.  Many joys peppered with a  few profound sorrows has enabled me to practice Rabbi Kushner's search for good in every situation.   That’s been the biggest blessing of all;  an emerging awareness asking me to look for the gems.  To do that, I have to pay very close attention to the moment and the people in it:  listening intently, observing, and tuning into others.  I also had to consciously look at my life as a giant university teaching me about my real essence which is not my physical body and ego.  I do get caught up in the lure and shallowness of that from time to time.  Challenges arise, giving me exactly what I need, to expand me, exactly when I need it and my soul is growing as I navigate life.  Sometimes I need to  repeat a class or two over (and over) again!  Yet, something really shifted this year.  

I am attributing this shift to that state of willingness, and tuning in as an observer rather than a judge.  When my appreciation is drilled down that simply, no matter what other chaos is happening around me, I can generally find some gems.   Things aren’t always what they seem, and the times which are ugly, buried beneath all the pain or suffering, is a timeless heirloom we get to carry with us for the rest of our lives when we really look for it.  

Here is a small sampling of my gratitude list for Thanksgiving 2011.  I am grateful for:

Knowing Unconditional love. We all want that.  Some of us struggle thinking we aren’t worthy of it and often aren’t capable of recognizing what it is and means. Unconditional love does not mean tolerating abuse or unacceptable behavior.  One of my most profound moments came from an unexpected source.  My beloved brother. In a late night discussion, I revealed some thoughts about why I seem to settle for so much less than I deserve.  His response to me was, “Rather than trying so hard with someone who doesn’t appreciate the beauty of you, or wants to change you, why don’t you look at the unconditional love you already have in your life?  I love you.  My family loves you. Your family loves you.  The best part, we all love you exactly as you are and will always love you no matter what you do.”  This kind of love gives me permission to try, make mistakes, make changes, succeed, regress, become.  If you love something, set it free.  If it comes back to you, it’s yours.  If it doesn’t it never was. This kind of love could change the world.  It did mine.  Finally recognizing how well I am loved eliminates any desire to settle for less than what I already have...... from anyone.  Shine on! 

An example of how to live a joy filled life.  My young, beautiful cousin passed away this year.  The prototype of her life,  well lived, surrounded by love, in a  state of surrender and acceptance, are now daily aspirations for me.   Could I apply those qualities, especially in the minutia of my life?  If she could live and die in this kind of grace, I surely can remember, most of what I find myself upset or obsessing about, isn't important and if I can take no positive action to change it, I’ll be much more at peace if I surrender to it.   When I want to put off until tomorrow what I could/should be savoring today, I am also reminded that the happiest, emotionally healthiest individuals, are those that recognize today is all we have. Live in it.  

Experiencing Rejection.  I’ve had a few of these this year.  It wore on me and played nasty tricks on my self-esteem.   By mid year, thanks to an angel who said to me, repeatedly,  Rejection is God’s Protection....I not only now believe it myself, but I understand it!   If I am not given what I think I want in this life, a particular job, man, material object, or friendship, there is a reason.  It’s not mine to be had.  I am not supposed to be there at this time. It’s not a fit or perhaps, good for me.  I get that now.  Not only do I get it, I am also grateful for the protection.  I know the best things for me, are yet to come and I don’t need to keep banging on boarded up and dead bolted doors.  Perhaps I have just learned to trust in the Architect's design for my life. 

Learning to Welcome Change.  My moniker has always been The Queen of Change.  It’s a fact; I have had to adapt to a great deal of change in my life.  Much of it forced upon me by unfortunate circumstance.  Looking back, I’m immensely grateful now for the gift of emotional flexibility change has taught me.  This all ties in with God’s protection of me (see above).  If change happens, its simply time to do something different and grow.  I trust change as a necessary process in the evolution of my soul.  I am grateful for putting down my sword and making peace with change.    

My faith and an intimate connection with my Creator. I’ve always known there was something larger than me running things. I just really didn’t feel comfortable having a relationship with anything that powerful.  Power, equaled control and authority, something I’ve  rebelled against all my life.  My perception of God was, he was either my dad- restricting and punishing, or in times of burning desires granted, Santa Claus. When I did begin to view God in a more positive manner, I still just thought I wasn't one of His chosen.  I was the red-headed step-child, treated a little differently.   Something evolved in the past few years. The relationship I have now is one of communication, and the purest, sweetest love imaginable.  For me, God is not "out there", an authoritarian figure sitting on a throne doling out judgement or blessings.  God is a part of me - the holy spirit which guides me, comforts me and most of all shares with me.  All I need to do is tune in and listen rather than doing all the asking and talking.  (More reflections on the God of my understanding are forthcoming as the holidays near). 

In review, this year has again brought many earthly treasures into my life, and I am so  grateful for those riches.   Sometimes, though we have to dig a little deeper to unearth the heavenly gifts that will sustain far longer than a roof over our head or food in our belly's.  

Happy Thanksgiving to all!  May you take time to reflect and identify the good and your gratitude for those things that may not be so apparent this holiday season.