Wednesday, July 25, 2012

A Birthday Reflection... Written in gratitude

I’ve been spending way too much time recently thinking about how different my life would be, if only...... If only you were here with me to share some of these heavy, day to day burdens heralded in by this ghastly recession and too little: support, time, opportunity, money, energy.   If only you were here to savor the sweetest little girls ever... your granddaughters.  You would delight in their happy outlooks and inquisitive minds.  When I close my eyes, I  can see you and the relationship you'd have with each one of them.  Sydney would be your co-conspirator, partner in crime; the two of you exploring, being ornery together. Sydney tries it all, just like you.   Alex.. you would torment her... like you did Christi.  She’s the sensitive one, just like Christi.  She's the one with the soft little voice and spirit. And, she too would come to know, just like Christi, that your challenging her helped her  to acknowledge her intelligence, hone her many gifts.  The two of you, in reality, were so much alike. Sometimes seeing ourselves reflected in another is the perfect mirror in allowing us to discover the brightest facets of the prism of our personalities too.   Oh, my...   And, Cameron would be your little love bug. She'd make you laugh, and laugh at your silly jokes too. She would help you see the world as it should be seen; simply and delighfully with her awareness and innocent wisdom.   You would be so incredibly proud of both Scott and Christi.  The kind of parents they are and the kind of compassionate and giving human beings they’ve become too.  They're just like you with their community and volunteerism efforts, something I never really shared with you.  You knew I was better one on one, helping people in a quieter, more private manner, and you honored that.  Maybe that's why we made such a great team.  We both couldn't take center stage.   It would make you beam to see the desire and contributions of this lovely young family of yours,  towards a better community, and better world. I hope it would make you smile in knowing  that I've finally opened up to the world some too, sharing my experiences with the intent of helping someone else in their journey.
I thought about all of these things, today, especially.  How many adventures would we have had... How much of the world would we have seen by now?  Would we be working together towards our common dream of business ownership or even be business owners now?  Would our home be a haven and reflection of us, a place where others felt comfortable stopping by too and sharing in our good fortunes?   Would we have stayed true to our plans to make a difference in this world by continuing to be the change we wanted to see?  Would we still be traveling down similar spiritual paths? I know we would still be celebrating a family of fabulous July birthdays in the signature Mahoney style,  those big Irish celebrations of life.  I miss throwing those parties.    
It would take a large notebook to list all of the things I miss about you.  I think if I could only pick one, it would be the way you made me feel... always... in your presence.  Safe, valued, supported... adored.   You called forth the very best in me, and asked only one thing... that I love myself too and let my light shine.   
This morning,  as I sat in the spot where you took your last breath,  I prayed so hard for you to just touch in.  Give me some advice.  Tell me what to do next so I can let my light shine and make you proud, make me proud and leave a legacy of a happy life filled with integrity, goodness, and joy when its my time to depart this earthly plane. 
I know you are near.  I just heard your voice, shushing me, reassuring me, letting me know heaven has heard my prayers.  I just need to rest quietly and watch for the signs. Watch and listen.... The answers do come along with the rain, in the persistent pounding of the waves on the beach, the blossoming of my poor little half dead flowers, that confident little red cardinal staring me down from the kitchen window, and inside a spectacular full moon.  
Until we meet again, I will look for you with my heart.  I know it is then you will come.  Like the rain. Sometimes gently preceded by signs...the soft smells of nature and the cooling air:  I'll know you are on your way, slipping easily into my thoughts.  Other times surprising me with a downpour and intensity, chastising me for spending way too much time, dwelling on the what-ifs instead of celebrating and being grateful for the what was and IS. 

 If only you were here?  You are. 

Happy Birthday my love....

(Thank you my precious daughter for sharing this perfect Tracy Chapman song with me!  It does indeed say it all....)


  1. I think he'd be equally proud of you and the life you now lead. A life that challenges those to use every second to its fullest potential. A life that is real, raw, and honest. You are so loved :)

  2. Becky,

    You really have powerful blog entries. I see you list yourself as a "writer." Have you started to compile all your wisdom into a book yet? You should! Pick the best stuff, and simplify it into (7/10/12/20/whatever) rules for living, using your blog entries as snapshots from your life illustrating your principles.

    Good luck!

  3. Hi Becky,
    I tried commenting on the page and I’m too computer ignorant to do it properly! I was reliving so much as I was reading your writing. I was remembering the flight back to Florida after the funeral. I agree that with Mark you always felt he was in control and what ever happened he would have had some influence on the outcome – planned or otherwise. My normal reaction to the cancelled flight would have been close to panic and wondering what would happen next! Instead I end up on a flight leaving earlier and bumped up to 1st class. I felt as if he was standing there with me and snickering, ho hum, just another day.
    I do think you are doing so well and I know Mark would be proud of you and the rest of the family for all that you are accomplishing. I wish I could be more help to you but always know we are here for you and uplift you daily in prayer.
    God Bless you,