No Lie Left

A little over a week in, and I have already learned this authenticity commitment is a bit more of a challenge than I thought it would be. I imagined it would be a simple matter of proclaiming, this is who I am, what you see, is what you get, here is my truth.  That’s great, however, I discovered this week, there are times I just really don’t know the truth.   Sometimes the truth gets buried under years of protecting the feelings of others, and shame and guilt. 

This is where my Higher Power steps in.  By openly declaring my word, a spiritual pact has been formed between myself and God.  This year’s word, AUTHENTIC, I’ve decided to essentially follow what I call a Four Agreements lifestyle.  For those of you unfamiliar, the four agreements come from the book of the same name, written by Don Miguel Ruiz and published about eighteen years ago.  I read it way back then, and again off and on through the years, usually desperately, when a patch of quicksand on life’s road threatened to take me down.  Its simplicity is perfect for people like me who occasionally spend far too much excavating and then dissecting things in my head.  

The Four Agreements are:

Be impeccable with your word. (A little irony here perhaps)

Don’t take anything personally.

Don’t make assumptions.

Always do your best. 

Simple.  Right? Not at all.

Last week I got to work on being impeccable with my word.  With myself. God thought it was time.  I have to be open to learning more about who this authentic creature is and how she operates in order to not tell myself anymore lies. In an interview a few years ago  Alanis Morrisette said something and it stuck in a random brain cell.   She said, “I hate my own lying.  I need to get to the bottom of it until there is no lie left.”  Being impeccable with your word includes the things you tell yourself.  Authenticity begins at home. 

Those lies aren’t intentional.  I consider myself a painfully self-aware, honest person, sometimes struggling in identifying when the honesty has turned into self-flagellation. Some things are buried so deep, we can’t seem to unearth them on our own, or we don’t deal with them until they begin to affect our lives. They are the subtle tales we’ve woven, usually for many years. It takes a little nudge from an experience or in my recent case, God, to turn those lies into a truth that can set you free.  Last week, His nudge was an inner voice pointing out a few lies I’ve been telling myself all my life that have profoundly impacted me and others.  My lies are:  Love hurts.  I am unlovable. Everyone abandons me.   I can’t let myself be so vulnerable ever again.  

The thing about these internal lies about our character, they usually aren’t really true and we often don’t even know we are telling them.  They have become a part of our belief system and likely began a long time ago. We eternalize them because we think it will keep us safe on some  level  and we continue to breathe life into them.     I’ve fed that impostor all my life, which began in childhood and I refused to acknowledge because of a sense of misguided loyalty, guilt and shame. I thought I had put it all to rest, and essentially I have.  Most of it.   Don’t misunderstand, I blame no one.  I love my parents deeply.  Both of them have been gone quite some time now and I’ve taken the time to put the craziness in perspective with the help of some incredible counseling,  lots of prayer and developing a meditation practice.  They did the very best they could from their level of consciousness with the tools life had handed them. I came to not only know that, but appreciate their lives as well.  They too had struggles. This has allowed me to forgive and focus on their goodness and the things I loved about them. 

My lie apparently has been harder to get rid of.  It isn’t a lie. I have been abandoned.  From the beginning of life.    The insidious evil part of my lie is how I continue to perpetuate the story: I am unlovable, everyone leaves, and I can’t be vulnerable.  What a shock to discover, I keep the lie alive.  I breathe life into it with every choice I make. That awareness unfolded the first week of my Word of the Year. 

As I was vacuuming, and crying about yet another surgery coming up, and bemoaning the fact I would have to walk through it by myself, this internal voice said, you created that reality.  You can’t pick people who are irresponsible, emotionally unavailable,  dishonest, or incapable of intimacy, and expect them NOT to abandon you.  They don’t have the capacity to have a healthy relationship.  It’s not their fault, just like it was not your parents fault. The difference between back then and now, you couldn’t choose back then.  You can now.  If you truly want healthy relationships, pick healthy people.     

Of course, my comeback in this conversation was to  blubber to God about my one healthy relationship, and how he even abandoned me.  God said: He didn’t abandon you, he got very sick and he died.  My response was:  Well, you could have saved him.  God said: His life journey ended.  He did what he came here to do, and it has nothing to do with you. He didn’t leave you, he died.  I haven’t abandoned you.  I never will. Use my love and loyalty as the standard when you are choosing. 

It’s always a shock to realize that we really do create our own life and destiny.  The quality of my relationships are up to me.  I pick them.  If I want a caring, reciprocal, intimate relationship with someone, I have to choose people who are capable of one. I also have to decide, for myself, if I am picking those kinds of relationships in order to sabotage any chance of meaningful, reciprocal, intimacy,  knowing I just might really be content and satisfied with living alone. Whatever the truth is, no more lies. 

I have a feeling this Authenticity gig is going to be a bit more than I initially bargained for.  But, I have a feeling the rewards are going to be too! 

Word of the Year 2016 - AUTHENTIC - AUTHENTICITY

Authentic:  Real or genuine: not copied or false.  True.  Accurate.  An original. 
Authenticity: The truthfulness of origins, attributes, commitments, sincerity, devotion, and intentions.  In philosophy a particular way of dealing with the external world, being faithful to internal rather than external ideas. 

I’ve chosen a Word every year for quite a few years now starting this practice even before it was so popular. I really love the concept and invest some time in the selection process.  It’s become a holiday ritual, letting my yearly Word of the Year evolve through thought, prayer, and meditation the week between Christmas and New Years. The soft glow of the Christmas tree lights and a big overstuffed chair are conducive to this kind of introspection.  Being reflective and seeking guidance in picking my Word of the Year is worth the investment of time it takes and works so much better for me than a check sheet of New Year resolutions that come wrapped with a lot of pressure. I am no longer interested in resolute efforts that I know through past trial, will set me up later to feel inadequate, regretful and defeated.  Keep it simple is not just a slogan to me, it’s a conscious decision.  

At this stage of my life I am not necessarily seeking to accomplish things either.  I am looking to grow a better human being; one that is living up to her potential.  That takes cultivating qualities, building spiritual muscles, around the framework of my life as it exists, not how I wish it was.   Aspirations are fine, if they are of the kind that enhance and grow the human spirit and others. However, I think gifts and abundance arrive as a result of that growth.  Or, maybe it's this simple - we learn to recognize them even if they aren't the sparkly obvious ones.  

The practice of One Word, also removes my tendency to live in the “When”, postponing life. It drives my focus towards co-creating my present, moment by moment.  I no longer live with: When I loose 30 pounds on my January 1st diet.  Or, when I get healthier, after my surgery, better blood work, or new body parts.   Again, I am not saying there is anything wrong with working towards goals, I just think the pathway to those goals, for me,  has been to place my attention on one Word that strengthens qualities that may serve me better in getting to those goals rather than charging towards a single end result.  When I do that, the word becomes an intention that is seared into my heart and head, and the UNFOLDING  of it has been gratefully passed back into the hands of God.  To steal an AA phrase and concept, I want to practice my Word in all my affairs. 

My New Year mantra is: It is my heart's desire to be like a feather on the breath of God.  This makes this year’s Word of the Year task even simpler.  My only business is to use and apply that Word to situations that arise and to grease the sticking points throughout the year. If I do that, I will be prepared when God's breath moves me where I need to be.  Every year, I can now look back and see a pattern, leading me to the next yearly Word and a new level of awareness.  Every Word over the last few years has been leading up to the next.  I don’t know that authentic would have been possible until I learned what it means to blossom (2011), set myself free (2012), be fearless (2013), create (2014), and  renew (2015).  It takes a free, fearless spirit to create a renewed life authentically. 

Last year, my Word, renew, was in the front of my mind as I changed some habits that I had draped over my shoulders like a security blanket, but then they turned on me and were weighing me down.  The word renew was in the front of my mind as I paid attention to what I put into my body and how I treated it.  The word renew kept me curious and interested in anything new that might even moderately be a healing tool for not only my physical form, but my spirit.  I investigated food as medicine, the Healing Arts, Tapping, Aromatherapy, Himalayan Salt Lamps, Essential Oils, Reiki, Forgiveness Therapy;  stepping out of the conventional box, to explore anything that might rejuvenate and refresh whether it was proven, practical, or FDA approved.  Experimentation, belief and faith became my new Science.   

There were times when my Word pushed hard on me and the evidence of success wasn’t immediately apparent.  Those times I had to remember the ghost of Words past.  I learned to be fearless by practicing it. I set myself free, by recognizing I was the one that chained myself to things that didn’t honor who I was. And, creating, well, that was entirely up to me too.  My talent wasn’t dependent on what other people thought of it!  I could create, a beautiful meal, a comfortable home, an interesting story, an environment of love,  a good life. My creativity was a personal thing.  God didn't place it inside me to necessarily gather a big audience.  He placed it there as an expression of  His love and a gift to me.

Word of the year might be a simple practice, but changing old, misbehaving behaviors is much harder than laying out a to-do list.  They are like leeches, burrowing under your skin and don't budge much without personal effort. Early in the year,  applying my Word always feels like a clumsy cha-cha - one, two, back, back, back. Eventually though, it memorizes the steps and finds its flow. The Word rises up and the spiritual question gets asked.  Will selling my house help me to feel free? Is switching churches going to help me to blossom in my spiritual knowledge and understanding of God?  What other things can I do to renew stale relationships?   What are some actions I can take  that will lead to an authentic life?   In doing this, am I being true to my values and standing for authenticity?

 Authentic is my chosen Word of the Year for 2016. I have prayed it into being, God's breathed life into it and  starting today, I’ll strive to practice authenticity in all my affairs.  

I’ll check back in a few months and let you know how it’s going.

Authentically,
Me 

  

Happy Birthday to Me!

My birthday was this last Monday.  I woke up with a kaleidoscope of butterflies in my stomach.  These weren’t the frail, winged beauties of insecurity and fear that set up butterfly housekeeping for what seemed like too many years. This time the flutter inside, was a celebration of another year of life.  Time to get up and dance in the day.  Wow.  I’ve lived this long and gathered a lifetime of enough material to create quite a tome; part Running with Scissors, part Raiders of the Lost Ark, with a spattering of Nicholas Sparks-ish tear-jerkers tossed in for my  hopeless romantic heart.  A well-worn life for sure; comfortably broken in by now.  Through time and healing, the set-backs and suffering have become simply distant, impartial memories to entertain me in my rapidly approaching golden years. 

When the butterflies and I settled into a meditative state, I reflected on the extreme gratitude I feel to be alive after all these years.  Most of my family didn’t make it this far. A legacy of mean genes ended the lives of so many of my loved ones way too soon.  This left me questioning life’s fairness and a loving God. However, experience has also evolved my conception of God.  I no longer believe He sits up there doling out grace and mercy based on naughty and nice.  I’ve certainly pushed the envelope in my younger years, throwing caution and good sense off to the side in pursuit of exhilaration and adventure. The consummate rebel. A survivor.  Maybe it’s an extension of Grace that my Creator has saved me the heartbreak of dying with unfinished business at a much younger age.  I wouldn’t have to come back:  reincarnated, with a ginormous bucket list and a tick sheet of amends I needed to make.  I think my slate is clean now, and I’ve done about everything my heart thought I had to do - at least for today.  It’s been an extreme joy ride, although, I’ve been tossed off the roller coaster a time or two.  Looking back, even those periods when the shattered me was recouping and healing yet another failure, big disappointment, or  broken heart;  those moments  proved every time to be meaningful lessons I just hadn’t quite mastered, and a reflective time in my journey.  I have changed. 

I pondered what I would tell me a decade ago if I could go back and have coffee with my mildly neurotic, totally insecure, people pleaser self.   Then, I decided I probably wouldn’t change a thing.  It doesn’t matter that this past decade has really been filled with hair-pin turns and a few poor choices that frequently rendering me disoriented and confused, wondering what to do next. It forced me to surrender and listen to something other than a mind puffed up, engorged with ego.   The voice within taught me (eventually) to stop charging past the red flags which always led me into the abyss of magical thinking. This past decade of remedial enlightenment has revealed why I fall into that abyss time and time again.  Ego said, “You’re  smarter now, hold onto your flags, you’ve earned them.  Just jump over that hole.”   Inevitably gravity, sucked me back in and I fell further in as the hole had grown larger over time because I always had to dig my way out.  I hope I have finally learned the lesson, the hole will always hold the same things, darkness, and delusion,  even when it’s camouflaged under prettiness, promises and pretense. Recently, it’s been this simple.  Red flags are there to warn me of the danger.  Steer clear.  Hole ahead.  Walk around.  Do not look back.  There is nothing meant for me there. 

So, what would I say to this little self-proclaimed guru who wears all her flaws, fears, and feelings on her sleeves?  What didn’t she seem to know a decade ago?  

I would say, “My sweet love, heart of my hearts, a few tips to navigate the remainder of this precious life. I know you have your lessons still to learn, but if you can keep these in mind, you will live out your days with a peaceful heart. A peaceful heart intimately knows God.” 

1. You will never be skinny enough, smart enough, pretty enough, clever enough, talented enough, or rich enough, to suit anyone else.  Stop trying.  Be enough for you.  You have been given everything you need to make your life here matter. 
2. You were born with an internal GPS to help you navigate your life and decisions. Learn to pay attention to the directions it calls out.  
3. The absolute most precious moments in your life will be the quietest and the simplest.  Treasure and live in those. 
4. People will treat you exactly how you give them permission to treat you.  
5. Sleepless nights and worry are the biggest waste of time. Drink hot milk.  Pray. Watch old episodes of Big Bang Theory.  
6. Forgive. Forgive. Forgive.  Yourself. Everyone else. In that order.
7. Just get started.  
8. Right foot. Left foot. Right foot. Left foot.  This will take you anywhere you want to go.
9. Begin your day with a gratitude list.  End your day with a gratitude list.  
10. Dream more. It’s free. 
11. Treat yourself like you would treat the person you love more than life itself.
12. Share where you've been and what you've learned, without fear.  Be authentic. 
13. Whatever you water and nurture grows - relationships, friendships, your attitude, blessings, and hope. Fertilize wisely. 
14. Take just about everything you see and hear with a grain of salt. Trade in judgement for the faith of a grain of a mustard seed.  
15. Pretend you are the Divine for the day, and look at others through That Pair of Eyes.

Finally…

17.  Be your own guru.  This in no way diminishes contributions others can make to the quality of your life and your personal growth.  It means, learn to trust yourself.  Your Voice is important.  Honor what it has to say too.  

On to the next decade.  One precious day at a time. 

Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm is taking a sabbatical.....

It crept up on me. I did not see this coming.  Outwardly, I seemed to be Cheery-O, but when I came home, the stage make-up came off and my world was becoming about as wide as the living room couch.  It revolved around watching episode after episode of Oprah Super Soul Sunday, cruising the internet for every and any New Age guru, Christian millionaire preacher, and just some tid-bit of new information, instruction, or hope to cling to.   Before I knew it, all the psycho-babble, spiritual woo-woo’s, and stream of advice was all beginning to look like cheap, plastic, fixes to a problem that ran much deeper than my spirit seemed to be able to figure out.  Everything from positive mental attitude, to law of attraction, gratitude journals, and I AM statements, and guilt based religious warnings,  bombarded my inbox and life. I am suffering greatly from a severe overdose of spirituality overload. It too has become an addiction.  When the first blush of the honeymoon wore off, they all came tumbling off their pedestal and I banished many of them to the land of Oz along with that other great and powerful charlatan. I became convinced their tricks really were designed to line already deep pockets; while out of the other side of their mouths, they professed a desire to share their knowledge, serve, and improve the lives of others.... For a mere $199.00, for starters that is; for the online course, or the latest download, or book.  You too could find your value and self-worth, pursue your passion, experience bliss and become peace.   Hmmm... I thought, maybe that age old adage, you have to have money, to make money, applies to the propagation of the gifts of the spirit too. Only the wealthy could immerse themselves in a cruise along with Dr. Wayne Dyer, or a week at Omega Institute with the finest in the self-help, personal growth and improvement industry. The less financially abundant among us had to sort of scramble for the crumbs at the feet of the rich enlightened; scotch-taping our own programs together. And the fear based warnings abounded.... Your thoughts create your reality, believe as I or burn in hell, forgive now or suffer. When you're in the midst of hopelessness, these are not helpful.  I've crashed and burned on the altar of the spiritual movement. I know I will experience a rebirth, but for now, I am not interested in anymore techniques for inviting the happiness fairy into my life. It just is not that simple.  At least for the average Joe (me).    

This recent malaise was especially disturbing to me, knowing I have spent the greater part of the last several years accomplishing some long overdue healing, forgiving, and growing into my own skin and authenticity. It was euphoric!  Frankly, I thought, it was about time to reap the rewards of my concentration and inner work. For a long while there,  I really thought I arrived, discovering a new serenity I had never really known.   Was it all for naught now?  Why is my only motivation to leave the couch now revolving around what is for dinner, prepared and eaten (where else) on the couch.  Why has my daily plans for great accomplishments wound up to be the pipe dream of the day? 

I am depressed, and I didn’t even realize it. There I’ve said it.  That’s the important part.  No hiding out behind a facade of I’ve got it all togetherness.   Some unfinished business to address, hanging out since November of last year I think, and all the law of attraction and visualization, and prayers aren’t what’s called for now.  A little honesty perhaps, and sharing my secret. Here is the secret...I am overwhelmed and lost and don't know what Plan B is.    

I suppose, all that spiritual work in the last four years, did help in that I had an out of body kind of experience last week, (don't get all freaky on me here - it's just a bit of a metaphor), peering at myself from across the room, an impartial observer. This spirit me, silently checking out the human me, being slowly spoon fed all kinds of nonsense, and chastised by my ego for all the things I haven't accomplished yet and have worked so hard at, yet, simply can't seem to manage to kick-start. The ego sneers, "See, I tried to tell you weren't worthy, and you certainly aren't any good. If you were, you wouldn't be in this position."    How did this happen?  Why didn’t I see the signs? What were the clues I was spiraling down? 

I don’t drink anymore. I gave up that coping mechanism about 25 years ago.  I don’t use drugs.  They scare me too much.  I even quit taking my cholesterol medication.   But, mindlessly shoveling food and snacks into my mouth was comforting, until the next day and my pants wouldn’t zip.  Cruising the dating sites and superficially connecting with men whose little online green light was lit up 24-7, engaging in thought provoking chat that went something like this.  HIM:  Hey.  ME:  Hey. HIM: You're hot.  ME:  Ummm...Thanks?  HIM:  Here's my phone number, call me.  ME: WTF???   That felt good for about a minute.  Numbing out to old episodes of Scandal and Downton Abbey (and Super Soul Sunday) was great;  but I never really saw them, as I would find myself dozing off in the midst.  Tired.  Just tired.   Eventually, I discovered it was becoming increasingly difficult to even begin to think about checking off the growing list of tasks, even the imminent ones, like diligently making an effort to find the means to take care of my most basic human needs; like heat and shelter. I was okay on the food front.  That seemed to be in abundance. My pants told the story.

I’m not good at telling people when I’m drowning. I have an image to protect; the Goddess of Zendom (a legend in my own mind). Besides, everyone has their share of life smacking them upside the head too, and no one seems much interested in a “Negative Nelly” even if the feelings are authentic.  No one seems to care much about authentic these days either.  It’s all about appearances.  We put our fingers inside our ears and sing-song, “I can’t really hear you.....” mumbling something about including people in prayers and scurrying off to avoid actually feeling some authentic empathy or lending a  helping hand or ear.  This seems to be how we deal with others pain or suffering. Send 'em a text, or Facebook sentiment.  People, c'mon we all just want to be SEEN and HEARD and accepted, as we are... in that moment, not dismissed with trivia.   Worse yet, comparative suffering is used as a method to put you in your place about how much better off you are than the guy that has cancer, or whose child was killed by a gunman in a classroom. If we have even a modicum of empathy, we feel this too, so, our little sufferings, we hold inside.  I love that term “comparative suffering”, a phrase Dr. Brene’ Brown used on a recent Super Soul Sunday.  I apparently was awake long enough to hear

those words.  Those little sufferings add up.  A young teen from my small community killed himself two weeks ago. It was heartbreaking.  I am sure he didn’t share his pain, whether it was a girlfriend who dumped him, or grade issues, or he didn’t make the football team.  Tragically, whatever he felt, that pain was enough to drive him to take his own life.   It doesn’t seem to be acceptable to open up and share with others how you REALLY feel; overwhelmed, hurt, angry, scared, less-than, and it appears that’s the message we are even sending to our children.  

I’m here to break that pattern. Being vulnerable. Silence is not always golden and secrets make us sicker and sicker.  We aren’t always going to be filled with joy and gratitude, even when we try our best. Our current reality cannot always be whisked away by positive affirmations, happy faces, and leprechauns jumping over rainbows.  The odds are much better of returning to a place of peace, especially if we give ourselves permission to feel crummy when bad things happen, even little bad things.   The best technique for beginning to break out of depression is to open up about it. Share with another. We were created to help one another. Odds are we aren't going to receive a real connection, if we aren't honest about how we are feeling.  If we share with someone who is indifferent, we must  try again until we land on another genuine human being striving for authenticity too. Authentic people attract authentic people. My imaginary (or was it) out of body experience showed me this all began to snowball last November when a series of events really crushed me: made me question the integrity of some, the cruelty of others, the outright criminal mentality that decimated the lives of my loved ones for a time, and the indifference of still others.  The world is unfair and a cruel place sometimes, and no addiction, or other numbing technique will ever take it away.  It just lies there, in wait, knowing it will eventually hog tie you if it goes on long enough.  Trying to fake it and keep smiling didn't really work well either.  But, being authentic, and honest, and sharing does. So, I did, finally.  And, I  continue to do so.  I may not be alright right now.  But, I will be. All my, numbing, escapism, and plastic fixes are beginning to fall away.  

  

Beep..........I’m sorry, Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm is temporarily out of the office.  She is taking a sabbatical from food, wizard of oz men, hours of television, surfing the internet, blatant inauthenticity, and the vast majority of self-help/religiousity/ spirituality practices, for now. It's time to go a little dark for awhile.  I'm holding on to a few things I know work best for me.  I'm keeping it simple; exercise, prayer, meditation and even honest, authentic connection with my Creator.  Rebecca is not going to smile when she doesn’t feel like it.  No more pretending her way out of suffering. She will cry, share, beat a pillow with her fists, and show you who she is instead of playing make believe.   She will be spending her time connecting with other real people and nature, fervently pursuing earning an honest days living, telling the truth about how she is feeling, even if SHE feels she shouldn’t be feeling that way.... whew. She will be taking incremental BABY STEPS towards the change her heart yearns for.  Some days the only thing on that to do list, for now, just might be starting out the day with the simple prayer - I turn my will and life over to the care of God as I understand him and then... JUST DO THAT.   

Authenticity DOES NOT always = joy. It can be scary.  But, it sure builds our courage muscles, makes for a more meaningful, honest life, as well as better relationships with others and the world, and eventually (hopefully) leads to true inner peace. 

Introducing Me... Confessions

• I have a very busy head that rarely takes a vacation.
• I’ve been hurt and I often trust people I shouldn’t.
• I’ve experienced many tragedies but had an equal measure of joys.
• I frequently believe too much. In hope, in healing, in second chances. 
• I’m self-reliant with a little bit of a secret desire for someone to take care of me. 
• I’ve learned to love bigger than I think I’m capable.
• I have a forgiving heart, but it can take me a while to get there.  
• I’m a singer. The kind that would make your dog howl. I hold most of my concerts in the car, with the windows rolled up.
• I’m also a dancer with the limited poise of the tiny ballerina locked up in your jewelry box. I don’t care.  I do it anyway. I was made to move. 
• I’ve been known to be wrong, but sometimes, I'll have a hard time telling you that.
• I am a recovering perfectionist, far from perfect.
• I laugh a lot and smile even more.
• I am truly oblivious to compliments believing they must be directed at whoever is standing behind me. 
• I cry.... a lot. For you and with you.  I cry when I’m sad and happy; when I’m moved or inspired;  and when I’m incapable of words because my spirit is crushed beyond recognition.  
• I’m a giver who is learning to receive.
• I’m also a people pleaser learning to please me first, so what I have to give you, is for the right reasons.
• I often care more about others than I do about myself, but I am learning to give both of us equal love fest time. 
• I hate to be called honey, hon, baby, dear, sweetheart.. unless it comes from the select few who are MY honeys, babies, dears, or sweethearts. 
• I have a sarcastic, snarky, sense of humor sometimes, but make real efforts to not direct it in a hurtful, or shameful way. 
• I’m a diva, a shoe whore, and frustrated fashionista.  I love baubles, make-up, perfume, and the blonde hair God forgot to give me. 
• I'm a lover of beautiful things; art, words, nature, babies, old people.
• I’m fearless with my fun. 
• Most of the time I am an extroverted, social butterfly, but I enjoy an occasional solitary respite, hiding out in my own cocoon.
• Some days I don’t like my body, but I always appreciate what it's doing for me.
• I am a nurturing caretaker when others are ill, but often can’t seem to drag myself to see a medical doctor or dentist.  
• Yet, I'm the Queen of self-help; therapy, meditation, drumming, tapping, the latest crazes and other healthy methods for ending suffering. I'm vehemently opposed to silent suffering and believe martyrdom is for the great Biblical heros and historical gurus, who are much stronger than me. 
• I’m motivated by challenge, but will probably whine about it to you. 
• I often say I want security, safety, and just to settle in comfortably, but, I get bored easily and yearn for adventure.
• When I love you, I love you forever.  I will protect you, defend you, be loyal to you, and do my best to love you unconditionally, sometimes when you don’t deserve it. 
• I tend to be brutally honest with myself while sugarcoating the truth to others.
• I’ve been a sinner and a saint, but I sleep better when I am a saint. 
• If you could peek inside my heart, you would see it's made of gold; blackened with tarnish at times,  but still precious.
• Sometimes I get so scared I think my heart will stop beating. That usually happens when I forget where I came from, my lineage, and who my Father is.

Yes, I am authentic, Fearfully, and Wonderfully made...

I think I am still gonna just continue to be ME and see where Life takes me......