Soulmates Revisited

i carry your heart with me

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it (anywhere
i go, you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart) 

Edward Estlin Cummings

This is the kind of love everyone seems to be seeking.  And, who wouldn’t feel adored compared to the eternal moon, sun, and stars? Wow.  Can anyone ever love us like this?  I think so, but it’s taken me decades and a few additional years to discover a Love like that.  

 A recent view of the google analytics on my blog reflects more than half the random hits were because people typed the word “soulmates” into a search engine.  If nothing else, it’s a great internet marketing lesson learned;  why optimizing key words are such a powerful tool for promotion on the internet!  My reasons for writing about it back then were much more self-serving than wanting exposure or helping the heartbroken desperately wading through the opinions of random billions of internet feedback and advice. 

I wrote it initially because a relationship, one I was convinced was an ethereal soulmate connection, had ended disastrously.  Writing has always been one method I use to figure things out; using my creative right brain to journey inward where the Wise One resides and guides me to some understanding.  I wanted answers, why this rare occurrence of an  intuitive attraction, almost spiritual, wound up being a complete failure, leaving me with some permanent scars and questioning everything.  For a time, I found myself trusting nothing, a very lonely place to be.  I couldn’t rely on my instincts, heavenly guidance, friends, or loved ones.    Taking that time to write and resurrect the dynamics of some of the relationships from my past, as well as some serious prayer and meditation, unveiled a new belief that resonated so purely to me. Here is what I discovered, and my post from back then: http://examiningmyunexaminedlife.blogspot.com/2010/06/true-soul-mate-is-probably-most.html.  

My realization that every significant relationship, both positive and negative are soulmate connections was a "slain in the spirit" Ahha moment for me!   A soulmate connection is one that helps nudge (or in some of my cases- drop-kick) us down the path of knowing who we really are, helping us to grow into our authenticity.  We learn about ourselves through these important human beings, importing bits of the teachings from our numerous soulmates as we move through the course of our lives. Our soulmates reveal the good, the bad, the ugly, the joy and the holy in us.   They come to love us, upset us, teach us, push our buttons, pleasure us, challenge us, adore us, and mentor us.  No one soulmate is any more important in our soul’s growth, than another.  Some just feel better than others, more fun,  awe inspiring, joyful, gentler, more sensuous, loving, or enlightening.   The ones who shake our world to its core, are likely the ones we need the most, at that particular time in our evolution.  There is no one human soulmate. We have more soulmates in our lifetime than we ever imagined.  

In the last year or so, I’ve come to believe having the grand lover, that one special person we are counting on to complete us and fill our lives,  is not really what drives our search for the ONE.   We are much more complicated (although we should learn to be simpler) than that. If we thought more simply, we wouldn't be continuously looking, thinking, another human being can ever give us all that we are seeking.   People change, move away, and  die.  They can help us along our path, but they cannot give us the permanent kind of connection and pure love we so desperately want.    

I think our restlessness is actually the vague remembrance of all the love of the spiritual home, from which we came. This motive of our desperate quest for a soulmate is the desire to clear the amnesia from our birth.  Remembering.  Our True love.  Our Heartmate.  Our Creator.  All of these encounters with others, throughout the course of our lifetime, are by design, and drive us to the doorway of our own Heart, where if we are silent, we begin to recognize, we already have everything we have searched for and wanted all along.  In that quiet space we do begin to  hear all which our spirit cries out for.   My beloved.  You are perfect. I love you exactly as you are.  I will never leave you. “My love for you is whatever a moon has always meant, and whatever a sun will always sing, is you.  I love you higher than the soul can hope and mind can hide.”   

I 've found it.  My Heartmate. It was here all along.  Nurtured by an all powerful, unconditional love, I am secure.  Tucked safely in my Beloved's arms, I need look no more.  The discovery..... the greatest love of all.  Soulmates will continue to arrive and depart in my life, teaching me how to surrender, give, and love, as my Heartmate loves me. My search is done.

"I carry your heart with me.  I carry it in my heart."

The river of our soul which runs through us is what gives us our animation. - Elizabeth Lesser

Twelve years ago shortly after 9:00 a.m. the best man I have ever known, a beautiful soul, left this world.  He also happened to be my husband.  It was a bright sunny morning, and I remember being struck by how his hair shimmered and his face was bathed in sunlight giving him an angelic look even amidst the suffering.  It just seemed  too beautiful, not the kind of day someone should die.  Yet, if you knew him, you would say it was a perfect way for him to enter his new life.   In the sunlight... in his favorite room in our home.... in my arms.  He was surrounded by his beloved family and a favorite nurse who had become a dear friend.  She reached out way beyond her duties, and brought him comfort and laughter in his final days.  I swear I felt his soul leave his body, and then the room, as I hugged him and hung on tightly.  Along with it, he took a huge piece of my heart.   Only five minutes earlier I had whispered into his ear,  “Give my mom a big hug from me when you see her.”  In that moment, I thought everything that had brought any meaning to my life was gone forever. 

I’ve spent a good number of the years since his death in survival mode, limping along. I began filling the empty hole, that spot where the other half of my heart used to live, with anything I could find to stop the bleeding.  A little busyness, a lot of workaholism, some over-achievement, food, and a few relationships that hauled in a whole lot of drama.  Drama is a great way to avoid the grief process and dull the pain.  You don’t feel much when your life is in a constant state of turmoil and uncertainty. Just about the time the ache sets in, you manage to align yourself with some new crisis or addiction that diverts you from stopping, facing it head on, and walking through those stages;  denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.... step, by painful step. I stayed stuck in phase one, denial.  I was convinced if I stopped for too long, the pain would overtake me and I would be trapped in a limbo land of chronic grief and spiritual death. So I stayed, hung out... put my blinders on and settled in. 

I didn’t realize by staying there, I was not honoring the man who actually showed me what true love looks like. I wanted to forget, how it felt inside my spirit to be with another soul who calls forth the best in you.  I think we all already possess our gifts, but being with the one you are supposed to be, takes them off the shelf, polishes them all up, and walks with you hand in hand as you share them with the rest of the world.   After his death, I took the gifts we shared, and stashed them away.  I became a hoarder; holding onto his legacy, keeping it locked up, along with so many of those good qualities he brought out in me, all to myself. 

He believed in me.  I made him smile, and laugh.  He told me this every single week for 18 months via a card in the mail, while he was away, going to school.  It became a contest to see who could pick out the most humorous, outrageous cards.  I have the best collection of Far Side cards known to man. His favorite humor... oh, so sarcastic, and "sic".  I loved it, it suited me too.   We compared notes when he came home on the weekends, sharing the events of our respective week with each other.  I helped him study and became a whiz at Anatomy,   incorporating body parts in our conversations as a learning tool for him.  He told me my Patella’s were the finest he'd ever seen.   We treasured our moments; learned how to be mindful  long before it was a buzz word, savoring the minutes of our time together.  We planned adventures and  trips. We had long talks in the hot tub, reciprocally sharing our bucket lists and dreams; encouraged our differences and celebrated our similarities.  He taught me to step outside my comfort zone, lighten up in my frugality, have some fun. I taught him that the best things in life don’t always have a price tag.  He taught me to work harder at not judging others because we haven’t walked in their shoes.  I taught him it was safe to share secrets, and be who we truly are because sometimes we help others most when we are honest about the paths we’ve traveled.  Through his long, painful illness, he taught me what it means to have limitless faith and be optimistic no matter what. I taught him that often the greatest gift we can give someone else is to be still and receive... their support, their offerings, their help and their love.  We traded roles, from student to teacher and back to student again. We reminded each other, everything is in the hands of a Higher Power and our life together would be greatly enhanced if we let it remain there. 

Maybe on that beautiful sunny morning, 12 years ago, when I felt the movement of Mark’s spirit, it wasn’t his soul departing.  Perhaps it was a part of his soul entering and infusing mine with his animation, so I could pay it forward.  I like to think so now.  It’s been a long journey.   Maybe using those things we taught one another, those blessings... perhaps it's time to venture out there, love another again, help others to polish their gifts too, serve, and live the remainder of my days, with the same energy and joy I did when he was alive. It’s an aspiration and it would be an honor.....   

This realization has been a long time coming.  I’ve talked for years about THE BOOK.... My story... our story.  His life was so much about helping others, perhaps this is one way that his animation, wholly alive, inside of me, his legacy,  can live on.  This, is the year of sharing my experience.  Two steps forward, ten back, ultimately getting there, walking out into the daylight, no need for something to fill the hole in my heart.  It’s no longer damaged and broken.  It’s healed, and whole, and ready to give back and be joyfully used again.