This summer my husband would have reached his 55th year. Celebrating a lucky double nickle birthday was not in his life plan. We were together for ten years, sharing seven of them as husband and wife. I like to think of that period as my Golden Decade; some of the finest years of my life. Maybe there is some validity to the energy of Love being magnetic and attracting more goodness and abundance into our lives. The deeper I seemed to grow in my love, respect, and gratitude for him and our time together, my exterior world of job and material possessions multiplied too. Like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, I was swept away into this magical land of beauty and blessings... and disbelief. On some level I didn’t think I was worthy. What did I ever do to warrant all of this and such a man? For the first time in my life, struggle ceased and I had ... plenty. There was plenty of money, plenty of friendships, plenty of good health, plenty of material possessions, plenty of love. Most of all, there was a peace and the kind of encompassing gratitude that lingers like very expensive perfume. I thanked my God, my deceased mother, and anyone else I thought might have been responsible for the end to years of struggle. Eight years into our cocoon of comfort, dark clouds crept in, chilled the air and blocked the sunlight. As he struggled to save his life from the cancer cells that invaded every organ in his body, cynicism and grief threatened to take my soul. I simply could not believe this could happen to such a good man and it shook the foundation of my belief in a loving God. I prayed for his life, offering up mine as a trade off, but there was no bargaining. I thought God had not only closed the door on me, maybe some archangel told Him of some long ago misdeeds and I was blacklisted from His Mercy and Grace. I never lost my faith that there was a God. He just appeared to have too much faith in me that I could handle anything tossed my way and He clearly wasn’t into negotiation. My prayers and pleading fell on deaf ears. God went silent. My heart did too.
Years of confusion and grief followed his death, and I couldn’t make sense of anything. I had this belief that goodness and abundance was based on behavior. No matter how hard I tried, that philosophy wasn’t working for me. I was a good person, giving and compassionate. I worked hard, took care of myself and continued to expand my knowledge and ability to carry my own weight on the planet. I thought I put into the world what I wanted to see reflected in my own life. However, a nagging discontent with life and struggle continued to invade my days; not enough - job satisfaction, money, contentment in relationships or, most of all, self-esteem.
Sometimes there is a Holy purpose for our world to come crashing down in a heap at our feet. Mine did. I was forced to simply stop and all outer worldly distractions went away. Gone were the jobs, the relationships, and the money. Time to be still and just feel all the hurt and grief, lying in wait to be acknowledged. It got quiet enough to hear my own voice inside my heart begging to be let out, if only for a time; just to feel the sunshine and witness the majesty of a starry sky. You can’t hold on to the past inside a heart padlocked for safe keeping and expect to dance in the adventure of life at the same time. If even God isn’t permitted entry, how are new gifts to arrive?
Trying to recapture the past and the abundance of back then, is like trying to harness the energy of the tides. Memories are fond rainy day diversions, not a way of life. Meaning lives in the moment and flows from an open heart ready to receive what each minute has to offer, whether it be sorrow or joy. Abundance shows up not because someone else loved us, or we loved our jobs, or we have financial security. It arrives because we are savoring every day just as it is, with a heart wide open, seeing it all through the eyes of Love. All the gifts of the spirit reside there. They flow outward in a Love that spills over into every aspect of our lives. I cannot earn my way into this kind of abundance through responsibility, education, and good behavior. An open heart, filled with love; offering love and accepting love back, held the keys to my Golden Decade. I’ve found the keys and unlocked my heart. I plan to keep it open, no matter what.
This summer, after many years of being tucked away for safe-keeping, just like my heart, I discovered our wedding rings, I took them to a jeweler. I wanted them both made into a single ring; a remembrance. His band, was to encircle my finger as a whispered reminder that love always holds me close; both he and God. My band, was to be molded into the shape of a free-style heart, scattered with the diamonds. Each one symbolizes the extraordinary love already existing in my life. Our rings and my heart are no longer padlocked away for old memories sake.
I prefer living with this open heart, letting life feed it with whatever comes my way- joy, sorrow, prosperity or poverty. I know what I had before, and all the important things in my life, grew because of that energy of Love and Love can only flow into and from a heart wide open. I am learning to savor the sensations of this vulnerable, open-hearted living and experiencing a new kind of abundance. My prosperity is not limited to a single Golden Decade. As long as I keep my heart open, every moment of my life is spun into gold, scattered with diamonds.
I’ve made a decision to lightly wrap my heart in bubble wrap for a little while. I’m not sure how long I’ll keep it there. Maybe always, but I know it is part of a Holy agreement I made a few years back...I promised my soul to be more responsible for the nurturing and care of my heart. It’s feeling a little battered and betrayed lately. Right or wrong, imagined or real....that’s what my heart is telling me to do.
My heart, has been bare-naked for eight or nine years now. It used to be encased in bomb shelter quality materials. I took some pride in the fact that a mere child of seven could construct such an awesome survival shelter, keeping herself safe without any help. The flip-side, as the years passed, it got to be pretty formal and regimented in there, and the tools I used to give myself the illusion of safety, weren’t all that healthy either. I rarely let it out of the bunker and when I did, it was just long enough to restock a few supplies I thought would keep me even safer. Turns out, most of the things I gathered up, drove me deeper inside; mortaring up for the apocalypse while tenaciously hanging on to my illusions of self-reliance. The tools I gathered were defective for the most part, like a hammer with no head, trying to pound out the dents in my life.... those tools lead to poor decisions, a bushel full of addictions, and trusting untrustworthy people. I didn’t have clue what a good tool looked like, or a trust-worthy person and I had limited awareness of what a good decision was. I’d been in solitary for so long and there were no mentors, or “How To” manuals where I was cloistered.
About twenty-six years ago, I took a jack-hammer to the concrete bunker. It felt so good as the weight of each chunk fell away, piece by piece. It did take a long, long, time to tear it all down though.... Much longer than the Berlin Wall. They had help. I could have had help too, but I thought I had to do it all by myself. I began to discover, in awe, it really didn’t protect me from being hurt after all, it just kept me feeling isolated, unique (and not in a good way), and tired, really tired. I was sadly anemic to the full spectrum of being human - suffering as well as joy. Light is scarce in bunkers, and not much got in. When it can’t enter, you may be able to survive, but thrive.... not hardly. The heart grows pale and the Vitamin D needed for healthy brain cells (and thoughts) diminishes. So, what good did it do me, living half-hearted?
About that same time a thread of Light slipped in through a crack; my bunker wasn’t as impenetrable as I originally thought. As the years passed by, I noticed many veiny, luminous breaks zig-zagging my heart. I begin to see it clearly then: healthy red, beating, and what was that? Butterflies, excitement, gratitude - feelings. I also saw, where I went wrong! The tools it needed to heal had been banned from the bunker--- unconditional love, acceptance, true friendships, and most of all honesty, and the intuitive knowledge there WAS something bigger than me that would actually protect it (and me).
When you’ve lived behind walls for so many years, and you then discover the freedom in bare-naked heart living, you can behave like a drunken sailor, on land for the first time since commission. WooHoo.... here's a piece of my heart for you, and you, and you! For a long time there, I also kind of resembled The Grinch who Stole Christmas when he sheds his first tears - of happiness. What were those? I was “leaking!” I leaked all the time. It seemed it was now time to move through a lifetime of feelings. My emotional intelligence was volcanic rather than wise. I road the waves, felt the pain, and put a lot of it to rest. I squealed at the joy, and savored the serenity. Open hearted living! Wheeeeee! It was off the charts! So much so, my heart opened up like a refugee center - arms welcoming in and trusting everyone and everything. I thought everyone was honorable to their word. I tried to see everyone like God sees them, the parts of them that were perfect and pure. I didn’t see the harm they could do because of their humanity. I didn’t see their selfishness and insincerity, how biting their tongues could be, or how harshly they judged. Worst of all was the indifference. I was a babe in the woods and I got hurt... a lot. I was disappointed a lot... My first reaction was to rebuild my bunker. I spent a few days contemplating how to begin, especially since the things I would need in there to survive were now scarce. I found I didn’t have the ability to be unkind, hold people at arms length, or hurt others anymore.
I was frustrated. I thought I learned my life lesson about the uselessness of bunkers. How they may protect you from suffering and pain, but they also shut you off from authenticity, love and joy. As those of us who walk the spiritual path know, after the lesson, always comes the test. Do we pass and move onto the next lesson? Bare naked heart living isn’t particularly wise. There are those who will take advantage, be envious of your beautiful heart, try to drag you into their bunker and hold you hostage. We don’t have to judge them...they are walking their own path at their own pace. But we can be discriminating and choose whether or not their behavior is good for our hearts before we let them in.
So I’ve decided I will wrap my warm, healthy, much purer heart in a little bubble wrap. It’s a pliable material, gentle on my heart and easily stripped away when and if I choose. It’s translucent. You can still see my heart shine and know it's a loving one. Yet, I can take some time in getting to know others, to see if they are worthy of my healthy loving heart, my friendship, or my time. Are they honorable to their word? Do they walk like the talk? Do they have empathy? Do they make time to receive what I have to offer? Is my attention reciprocated? Hearts stay healthy because of the flow..... give and receive. Most important of all, because bubble wrap is also transparent, God’s light can still enter and infuse it with all the love and knowledge I need-- to sense His will, make wise decisions, and honor my commitment to protect the beautiful heart He gave me..... and still share it where He guides me.
Openheartedness is living in authenticity while taking responsibility for the care and feeding of your own precious heart. That's really the only way to live in gratitude and grace and preserve it for those who truly value you, want, and need its love and attention.
