No one state of being is constant.... even gratitude. I have been back from spending some time in paradise with my family in Monterey, California, about a month now. I was on Cloud Nine the weeks prior to my departure in spite of some of the challenges I’ve been facing. I floated home, all Zen... Then, wham... life acted like life does sometimes, and all that changed. A few new challenges arrived on the horizon and spun me in circles making me extremely dizzy (literally) and emotionally incoherent. A diagnosis of Vertigo should have called forth some gratitude. I was certain I was having a stroke, or had a tumor. Since then, other little irritations have been nibbling at me like a mosquito caught inside the back of my shirt. It’s been a daily dose of a broken this, a new thingamajig that I couldn’t afford, an ominous health warning, some head banging against closed doors... again, and waves of loneliness I haven’t experienced in a long, long time. Not a good elixir to enhance one’s serenity buzz. Rather a deadly combination of self-pity, comparisons, expectations, and a seething low grade resentment or two. Those feelings don’t attract positive folks, energy, or good juju into our lives. So, I chose to hole up. Really for two reasons. One, on some level I was feeling all cozy, isolated in my pile of doggie do-do. After all it was a familiar spot at least. Second, I really didn’t want anyone to know this pillar of strength, optimism, and hope wasn’t really feeling the love. God forbid I should be the AUTHENTIC soul I blather on about and fess up to a few bad weeks. I also forgot to be grateful, one of the tools I use, a tried and true method for reversing direction on the path to nowhere. Hrrrmmmpphhh.... Why should I be grateful? After all, everyone around me had so much more. Ugly? You bet.... but, that's where I was at.
I did blame a lot of it on the full moon this past week. Seriously, I believe the moon can affect our frail little bodies and spirits. Look at the impact it has on the tides! A likely excuse. The moon has also cast it’s love light, stroking the endorphins in my brain in the past. Its MO hasn’t always been of a criminal intent, breaking in and sucking my serotonin dry. I was reminded by the bookmark in my book of daily readings, that it had been about a month since I last visited. Which meant, (yikes) it had been about a month since I last scheduled meditation onto my calendar, and probably two months since I had popped in the Yoga DVD. Sure, I had lived my meditations in the heaven of California, but there is something to be said about routines, and consistency in maintaining our emotional well being. I hadn’t been very good about concentrating on any well being; spiritual, emotional, and now physical. And, it was showing up in my blood work, my stamina, my attitude, and my state of mind.
I had been focusing way too much on my unfortunate series of misfortunes puzzled by why these things were happening to me, when essentially, I am a good, kind, honest person. I’m a good friend to others, loyal, dependable and hardworking . I remember, years ago when my husband was dying, reading the book by Rabbi Harold Kushner, When Bad Things Happen To Good People. I simply could not get past my husband’s verdict of terminal cancer and was looking for answers anywhere and everywhere. In a nutshell, his point was, everyone has their time at the river of sorrow. It has absolutely nothing to do with your goodness, how religious you are, how much you want, give, or do. It is simply unanswerable. At least in this lifetime. But, the thing that takes the sting out of our hardships, is sharing our fears and weaknesses with others. Hooking up at the heart with another human being and tuning into the sound of our similarities, helping us to know we aren’t unique, nor are we alone. I hadn't been doing nearly enough of that recently. After all, I am strong. I am invincible. I am woman. Such bullshit- all designed to create unhappy, isolated souls who have nothing of substance to pay forward. I made a few phone calls today.
As I start the work week, my alarm is set, I will arise in time for a morning kiss and a little one on one with my Creator, first. Then, read my inspirational message of the day, meditate, and do something positive about my health - eating nourishing food and making my exercise a priority. Additionally, I am going to start asking myself these questions....
Why me? Why am I surrounded by love, when others have no one?
Why me? Why have I been blessed to travel the world when many haven’t even been out of their small town?
Why me? Why have I always been given enough to take care of my needs when many others have nothing?
Why me? Why have I been granted friendships that have sustained me through the toughest of times when others face discrimination, bullying and loneliness?
My list could (and should) go on... It will. Every time I think why me when faced with a challenge or a sorrow, my plan is to ask my Creator, “Why me, God? Why have I been given so many wonderful experiences, people, and joys in my life?
The wheel of change moves on, and those who were down go up and those who were up go down. ~Jawaharlal Nehru
The wheel of change moves on, and those who were down go up and those who were up go down. ~Jawaharlal Nehru
Here's to hoping you're attracting good juju... No worries honey your authenticity is intact. I love that share so openly with others.
ReplyDeleteLove you...
Jamie
I've been feeling this way too lately, Becky. Thank you for sharing and helping me to not feel so alone. Maybe it is the moon, the economy, the government, generally rude, grumpy people. I'm glad we have the tools to not get caught up in that for to long! Miss you. Lisa.
ReplyDeleteYou have no idea how much you just helped me. You are a blessing. Thanks for being so open and honest.
ReplyDeleteRob