Saturday, July 17, 2010

You must surrender what you perceive you are, to become what you are to be.....

Twenty-three years ago today, I took my first shaky, baby step into a new life.  Those that knew me then, would have confidently placed bets I wouldn’t survive the year.  My body was fragile and malnourished; my mind was paranoid and irrational, and my spirit had been kidnapped by the insidious evil of addiction. I had tried everything to control it, and virtually exhausted the help available to me. Or, so it appeared. An unwitting statement (by me) tossed out to the universe, on July 17, 1987, evoked a response from the only real help available. God sighed, and said, “Thanks for asking.”  My words went something like this..... “If there is anything out there that can help me, you are going to have to, because I can’t do it on my own.” Surrender, in its simplest form.  A firm, yet tender unforeseen force, took me, spun me around in a new direction, and led me out of bondage, into the sunlight.  When I was in Rome a few years ago, soaking up the splendor of the Sistine Chapel, my eye automatically tuned into Michelangelo’s, “The Creation of Adam”.  I was fascinated by the message contained in this small area of one of the greatest works of Art.  God's muscular arm is stretching and reaching towards  Adam’s limp  hand, extending one of His powerful fingers.  All Adam needs to do, is, ever so slightly, raise his finger to connect with the essence of the Source of all life.  On that day, twenty-three years ago, I raised my half dead hand.  
Life since has been a series of surrenders.  The dictionary defines surrender dually, “to give up” OR “give back”.  I’ve done both.  On July 17, 1987, I gave up. In humility.  The paradox is, there's power in this admission of powerlessness.  This kind of submission acknowledges we are not  random beings bouncing off of life.  This surrender unconsciously tunes into a divine energy and a sense that “something else” may know more about what is necessary and meaningful for our lives.  A sort of awakening as a thin stream of light infiltrates our amnesia of the powerful Source we came from. 
Conversely, in my 23 year journey, I have occasionally given it back;  surrendered the relationship I established with my Higher Power to quiet the voice of reason, when I didn’t like what I heard. I have surrendered my serenity and returned to thinking I was in charge again, and could control people, their journeys or situations.  And, I have surrendered my joy when I have stepped out of the only place I can live, the present. I try to begin my day now, in the same recognition of powerlessness I found myself at many years ago.  Humbly admitting I need guidance navigating the day.  Surrendering to the fact I am not the architect of my life and need some help in reading my blueprint.  Acknowledging  my role as the builder, doing the “grunt work”.  This “giving up” form of surrender astonishingly grants me my heart’s desires. The gifts of surrender have become far to precious in my daily life and I am finding it not only irreverent to give them back, but reluctant to sacrifice them to my ego again. 
To say I am grateful isn't nearly adequate.  I am in awe. The picture God sketched out for me at birth has become a beautiful masterpiece, full of color, texture and depth.  And it is simply a result of lifting the hand which held my paintbrush, and letting Him guide my strokes.  On this day of my rebirth, my heart is full of thanks.  


  1. The last two blogs have meant much to me since they took me back in time to many years ago when my granddaughters were small, the one about addiction took me back to many many years ago and reminded me about myself. Good writing. Joan

  2. Congratulations Becky! That is awesome : ) I am so happy for you!

  3. Becky, to be born again first we must die. I believe that while we were in the throws of our addiction we did that. I know a lot of the struggles you have faced in your journey and I like the person that has come out on the other side. The challenges we face on our path sometimes feel like more than we can bear. I forget that I don't have to bear them by myself until I am hurting so bad that I don't have any other choice but to reach up/within and shout HELP ME. It's friends like you that remind me that I don't have to "wait so long" to shout. Becky, you are truly an inspiration and I hope you keep writing and sharing your journey with me. Love, Deb

  4. I would have placed a bet that your skinny little rear end wouldn't have survived. Baby, look at you now. Congratulations Becky. I am proud of you and even prouder to hear about the person you are today. Your courage and tenacity through some really rough times has helped inspire so many others. Great writings by the way. I was glad to connect through your blog. Hugs, Brad