You can know the truth of something so well, yet, be unable to apply it to your own life. This seems to be the case for me and a little left-over negative energy from the past. All it takes are even a few small drops of negativity to slowly seep into the pores of a life and like a petri dish that reproduces more of whatever is placed in there with it- it grows and festers. Soon, it's out of control and you don't have big enough tools to stop its progression.
I've been weaving in and out of forgiveness for way too long. As author Anne Lamott calls it, Forgivishness. It's been a half-assed, people pleaser, goody two shoes kind of forgiveness. I have learned, a shattered heart heals. I think it's because God lives there and pieces it back together with his love. A shattered ego is harder to fix. Maybe that's the point. Let it be, this self-righteous ego. Leave it lying in a mess on the ground humming some sad old twangy tune of being done wrong while it wraps itself up in a poor little thing cloak. Maybe it's just time to sweep up the ego; sweep it all up, into a dustpan and toss it out into the ethers. What purpose does the ego serve other than as a barrier to a loving God who wants to do so much more for me than I am capable of manipulating together for myself. He sees the big picture because He's already painted the big picture. Without the ego, I might not only accept that, I could be at peace with it too.
I always try to ask myself, what is the point? What is the take-away lesson here? What am getting out of this? Being human and feeling the range of emotion - from joy to rage, to extreme suffering is the point. It's our catalyst for growth and change. We don't grow just because we thought about it and think it's time. We grow because its too painful to stay where we are standing. Being human and feeling all that indignation and shame and those other unholy terrors - they lets us know when its time. If we don't hear them, they curse and scream at us until we are on the brink of crazy. Time to grow. Time to give up. Time to accept. Past Time to forgive.
I live quite a lot from my head. I do learn some things from that space. However, my emotions are a better teacher. I have learned that. Suffer long enough and I'll do anything to set myself free. So, I decided it was a matter of life or death to just forgive. Even if in my head, I didn't mean it right now. In my heart I needed to mean it. Even if I didn't really want to because I was so justified. I just kept mouthing the words- I forgive you. I forgive you. I forgive you.
Somehow, my words became one with God's. You must forgive so that you can live.